 |
You can eat onions and even garlic anytime
you want. |
|
No one griping about pulling over to ask
directions when you're lost. |
|
You don't have to be nice to your mother-in-law
any more. |
|
You can sleep on either side of the bed. |
|
You can take hours to decide what to wear, just
like when you were a teenager, and nobody will mind or call you crazy or
indecisive or neurotic. |
|
You don't have to make up the bed. |
|
You can buy something nice for yourself,
and no "guilt offering" for anybody else. |
|
No more trying to get the "skid marks"
out of his underwear. |
|
No more arguing - "Chinese!" -- "Pizza!"
-- "Chinese!" -- "Pizza!" |
|
You can go to the movies any time you
want, or you can just stay home and eat ice cream. |
| No more pee splashes around the toilet. |
| You can throw a divorce party. |
|
No more arguing about Conan the Barbarian
vs. Steel Magnolias. |
| I can display my Jon Bon Jovi pictures once again on
my fridge. |
|
I can buy as many pairs of shoes as I
want. |
|
You can change the goofy name of the cat. |
| No more feeling like a child being
controlled by her father. |
| I don't have to go around the house picking up his
garbage anymore! |
| You can fall asleep on the couch with the TV on and
not get yelled at to "Just go to bed!" |
| No more unanswerable "Do I look fat in this?"
questions. |
| No more listening to his three favorite words:
"me," "mine," and "no." |
| I can enjoy the companionship of all the wild animals I want to in my
home, and they're so much easier to clean up after than the X. |
| Nobody is telling you to come to bed when you don't
want to be in bed with them. It's not like we were going to have sex! |
| No more feeling guilty when his plans don't fit in with what I want to
do. |
| No more apologizing for thinking of me and my needs before him and his
needs. |
|
I decide my daughter's punishment when
she eats chocolate cake for dinner. |
|
My daughter decides my punishment when
I eat vanilla ice cream for breakfast. |
| No more insults about my spirituality or how I choose to worship. |
| No more where have you been, where are you now, who are you with, and
why aren't you home yet. |
|
Leave the lid down if you want to. |
|
No more watching him pick his nose. |
|
You don't have to hide your Milano cookies
any more. |
|
Nobody glaring at you for being online
for more than, say five hours. |
|
KNOWING that if you left 2 cans of tuna
in the shelf...they'll still be there, by golly! |
| You don't have to live the rest of
your life having sex with your ex and no one else. You can do it whenever
you want, with whomever you want, however you want, or not do it at all,
and it's nobody's business but your own! |
| If you want cereal for supper, you eat cereal for supper. |
| I can get rid of all those items we had to keep out
in case his family came by. |
| I can give those same items as gifts to the people I
like the least. |
| No more sleeping on the couch because the snoring is
so loud. |
|
You get to read the newspaper first, all
in neat little sections. |
| No more put-downs! (nobody's perfect) |
| I can eat Goo-Goo Clusters in any room in the house, not just
in the bathroom. |
| I don't need the plunger any more. |
|
No more yelling because he's going deaf
and won't admit it. |
|
Nobody but you messes with the checking
account. |
|
Save money on anniversary cards. |
|
No more humming during sex so he'll think
you're moaning. |
|
No more razor stubble in the sink. |
| If something breaks, I fix it. I don't have to wait
around for somebody else to decide that it's broken. |
|
Go ahead and hang your underwear on the
lampshade. |
|
No more "straightened" rooms- and all
your things put in bizarre places where you'll never find them. |
|
Rearrange the furniture. |
|
You can live
more simply. |
|
You can drink out of the milk carton with
a clear conscience. |
|
The knowledge that the statement :
"Sorry, I am out with a friend right now, can I call you tomorrow?"
will eat at his gut 'til it's gone, regardless whether you are just at
the grocery store alone or at a party with a zillion friends. He will
know you have moved on and it will bug him to pieces!! |
|
You can experiment with all those weird
vegetarian recipes you've always been meaning to try. |
|
No more weird changes on the computer. |
|
You can upgrade to that 120-gig hard drive
without adding anything to the Waterford crystal. |
|
You can
embrace
loneliness. |
|
You can use all the drawers. Yes, all
of them. |
|
Ditto the closet and the garage. |
|
Plenty of hot water, and no wait for the
shower. |
|
You don't have to listen to stupid music. |
|
You can actually USE the grill instead of
waiting for him to get up and cook something. |
|
You can listen to all the stupid music
you want to. |
|
Sole custody of the TV remote. |
|
Can flagrantly use potpourri, fragrances,
flowers, and perfumes without dealing with those gagging noises coming
from the depths of the recliner chair. |
|
Sole custody of the recliner chair! |
|
Nobody (including you) complains about
the thermostat setting. You can keep the house as cold (or as warm) as you want. |
|
His smelly-holey boxers are gone. Gone! |
|
You can hang the Nerf basketball hoop
on the door of the living room. |
|
Nobody expects you to be thinking clearly,
so you can flake out and get away with it. |
|
Good time to get braces. |
|
I can find somebody better! |
