Newbie Welcome (About HEO and about us)

[eeyore]

Welcome to Helping Each Other aka HEO.  This is a wonderful place to find peace and comfort during some of the most difficult days.  It is also a place to ask questions and receive answers.  As many of us have found it's also a place for finding lifetime friends who live many miles apart and share in the good and bad times.  Many of us have met in person and have continued expanding our on line family.

This thread's purpose is to introduce each of us and to provide a newbie helpful suggestions on dealing with the "crud" that comes with divorce.  

If you are a newbie please post a new thread to let us welcome you individually and to post replies to you.  As more newbies find HEO this welcome thread should be a way for newbies to get to know each of us and find comfort in some of the suggestions.  Last I looked at the previous board there were over 450 registered members.  If we all conversed in this thread it would become quite lengthy.

About me, I myself stumbled across HEO about 7 years ago.  HEO at that time had a different format.  But as the family grew the board also had to keep up with technology. 

When I came to HEO I first lurked.  I tried to read up as much as I could to make me feel like I was not the only person who had or was experiencing the painful hurt that divorces can bring on.  I began to post and that helped tremendously.  Airing your feeling to those who can offer a fresh and sometime rational opinion when you feel totally irrational does help.  Sometimes you just want to vent.  Many times the posts had nothing to do with problems of the day.  Sometimes I would just ask for a joke or a funny to cheer me up.  And knowing you had people that you could talk to anytime was a wonderful feeling.  Of course many sleep during your  night so sometimes you would have to wait a bit.  But there was always someone who was around pretty quickly if you posted you were in need. 

Seems like in the more recent days there are less people who were around when I first came to HEO.  That's ok.  It's such a treat to have an oldie like me pop in and say hello.

I copied this from Pheonix: Many of us go through life without actually defining and clarifying what it is we want.  We get up in the morning, go through our routine, go to work, take care of our families and chores, have a bit of downtime, and go to bed.  The next day we push the repeat button.  The cycle drones on, day after day, but where are we really going?  If we keep going like that with no goal, no plan, we're kind of like that little mouse on a wheel in the dime store window....running, running, but never really getting anywhere. 

For me, similar to Pheonix,  I was so upset that I took lots of time for myself.  I got magazines and made a dream book.  For me one of the toughest things I experienced out of my divorce was the loss of my home. Not the house but my home.  So I got all different kinds of magazines and tore out the pages that represented something to me.  Might have been a living room that was decorated in a way that I wanted my next house to be.  Might have been a picture of kids playing with their parents, representing the sense of family I desire.  I couldn't exactly write like Pheonix describes but I could see a picture and it would make me think warm and fuzzy.  So I'd rip it out and put it in my dream book.  From time to time I look over that dream book and revise it as it's still represents my dreams and desires for my life.

Please everyone else join me in welcoming any newbies by telling your story, offering advice. etc.Oh and food for thought-- the actual marriage isn't what makes the relationship.  It's the relationship that makes the marriage.

[Allala]

We need to pm Uncle Lee for a sticky.....

and um...yep, what the LBD said.

[livealittle]

ditto what the others said.

this is a great place to find help and comfort, advice and wisdom.  Take what helps you and leave the rest.  I found this place when I was close to the end of the really bad part of the crud and it was extremely helpful.  Many thanks to the good people here and to Lee for providing it.

[UNBrokenAngel]

Welcome.... 

[SpitFire]

WELCOME, pull up a chair, read, listen, talk, whatever is comfortable for you...

questions?  send a PM to anyone... we'll try to answer them for you!

hopefully we can make this awful thing that's happening to you a bit more tolerable!

[sadeyes]

Hi, I'm new to this type of forum. chat rooms that is. My husband decided to leave me over the holidays and I'm going through hell. I just needed to say that. He doesn't talk to me, avoids me at all cost, everything is strictly business. I don't have an address for where he lives. I know he's moved in with someone. We have been living together 13 years, married 10. This is the second time he's done this. The last time was 6 or 7 years ago, he left for a month, same scenario moved in with someone. He vowed that it's final this time, while denying that he has someone else. I can't figure how to get through this. I have good moments and bad.

[Ashanne]

Hey Sadeyes welcome to the crud and heo. It's hell for sure but you will get through it. You'll go through many stages along the way. First it's woe is me, then some denial, then anger, which will feel good and finally acceptance. Oh there is a few others thrown in there too. We call it the roller coaster because you're always going up and down. Here on heo you'll get great advice, support and just a place to vent. This was written by our Monte and it describes the emotions of a marital split perfectly-

http://inspiredawakenings.com/m/

[Golddst33]

I will tell my story..just not yet..female...shit....sorry...

[SaraEmily]

Welcome.

I found HEO after going through the first few months of my separation. I found it at a time that I needed it most. Being here helped me recognize the fact that I was indeed not crazy, but simply going through the crud and taking a ride on the emotional rollercoaster that is normal for a divorce to bring.

I am now a little over a year into the crud and today looks much different than it did even a few months ago. Time is the key. Even if you can't see it right now I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel. First you have to deal with all the normal and expected emotions, there is no easy way through it or out of it. You just have to push yourself through it even when you don't feel like it. One day at a time one emotion at a time.

My ex and I were together for 11 years and married almost 8 years. We have to children ages 3 and 5, they are wonderful. The marriage was never what it should have been, but during the last 2 years of it it became abusive in every imaginable way, so I left. Absolutely, the hardest step I have ever taken and it took me the 2 years to get up the nerve to do it. But, here I stand today having survived some of the most difficult times of my life. I can tell you that today I stand a stronger and better woman and a better mother.

The key to happiness after the separation for me was finding how to be happy with me and not relying on anyone else to make me happy. Some days are easier than others and still a over a year into it I still have moments that I feel like I am falling back down into the black hole, but those moments come less often and don't last as long as they did in the beginning. And, I have to say the people here on HEO have helped me back up more times than they will ever know.

Goodluck to you on your journey to your new life, it will be what you make it, it is up to you.

Sara

[Piedpiper]

Welcome newbies... 

I was with my husband for 7 years before we decided to get married.  Things were already on the downswing but I thought getting married would help fix it.  We separated several months later and we're still in the process of getting the divorce.  My kids are 9, 7 and 4.

What I've learned:  The pain is different for everyone.  Some hurt so badly physically that they can hardly justify the will to live.  Others, like me, spent the hurt/crud mostly IN the marriage, so that when I was out... the worst was already behind me (emotionally speaking).

Consult a lawyer and retain one if humanly possible.  You're marriage might have been about love... but divorce is business and it's a rotten one.  Cover your tail and protect your assets.  Find out what you're entitled to before you decide anything.

Lots of advice here...  lots of personalities...  I hope you post and introduce yourself and get to know us.  We're sorry you're going thru this mess... but we're here to help (eachother) in any way we can.

[sadeyes]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am on that roller coaster now. The link to the inspirations was well appreciated. I'm usually the one doing the encouragement, but not always good at encouraging myself. I am a very sensitive person and I always love to deep. My husband was my world. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do.

[LindaWarrenSeely]

I came across this site upon the recommendation of the pastor of my church in Jackson, Tennessee where I live.  I work for a legal aid agency in Memphis but have a small mediation practice.  I am divorced from my children's father and remarried an attorney here in Jackson.  His business is called Divorce, Inc.

We both are interested in ways to assist families who are going through changes such as divorce.  I also am having conversations with attorneys interested in the collaborative lawyering concept.

Thanks for the welcome and I look forward to reading some interesting posts.


Linda Warren Seely

[m_t]

I came across this site upon the recommendation of the pastor of my church in Jackson, Tennessee where I live.  I work for a legal aid agency in Memphis but have a small mediation practice.  I am divorced from my children's father and remarried an attorney here in Jackson.  His business is called Divorce, Inc.

We both are interested in ways to assist families who are going through changes such as divorce.  I also am having conversations with attorneys interested in the collaborative lawyering concept.

Thanks for the welcome and I look forward to reading some interesting posts.


Linda Warren Seely

Welcome, Linda. What are you hoping to find out here?

[thru]

hello

stopped by after a huge hiatus, and found that I was no longer a member!       well, I am again.     wanted to say hi to you all and let you know I'm still muddlin' thru.  still talk to Viktor quite a bit, and he is doing great. 

take care!  hang tough ~ thru

[Ocean Gal]

hey stranger...
darn its been a long time...how goes things??