Newbie Welcome (About HEO and about us)

[silly dreamer]

Sorry that you have the need for such a place, but since it is the case, you've found a great one. Lots of folks here from all sorts of situations and a whole spread of variety for opinions and advice.

Welcome to the board, jump in when/whereever you feel comfortable.

[Theos]

Well, I keep myself encouraged knowing that many others have it much harder than I do.  Meanwhile I have a lot of reading to do. Thanks for the kind words

[slugbait]

Hello, This is my first attempt at blogging (is this called blogging ?), anyway, my wife of 14 years has just filed for divorce.  We have 2 young boys and are building a house together (supposed to be our "Dream" house). Neither of us can afford to move out and still pay the interest on the construction loan, so we may be stuck with each other until the house is sellable and the market climbs out of the toilet.  Living together is very difficult as I still love my wife and she does not.  We are mostly cordial but there is no emotional connection and is very painful for me (and will be for the kids once we tell them).  How do we survive this long enough to get the house sold and move on to new lives.  I would prefer to remain friends with my wife but I don't know how much of that comes from my emotional connection to her or just from practicallity.  Either way, I think our kids need to see us united by some kind of relationship.  Any advice?

[Theos]

Hello Slugbait ... I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. I know from personal experience that living with someone that has basically rejected you but you have not other recourse than to remain under the same roof is a recipe for emotional distress unlike no other. While I don't know your specific situation I can say that if there's someone else involved it's even worse. With your dream house under construction and the economy in such a financially unstable situation it may be a while before you'll be able to get the place finished and then put it on the market. Is she bound and determined to divorce? Have you considered a therapist, family counselor, etc.? You'll have to come to some clearly defined terms of agreement to live under the current situation for any extended period of time.  I'm sure others are reading this and can hopefully chime in with some advice. I lived with my wife for several years and was emotionally detached from her for many. In retrospect it was a real mistake to have done that. I was under the impression that I was doing it for the kids. Eventually I changed my mantra and realized that I needed to separate FOR THE SAKE OF MY KIDS as they were old enough to see that mom and dad just aren't connected. I'm still good friends with their mother, who I am still legally married to, but live on my own and am after 6+ months of being separated am just now beginning this divorce process. There are no doubt many people on this list with much more in their history that can be of some help here. If anything, I would at the very least encourage YOU to see a counselor as I am sure you are feeling pretty low these days.

[slugbait]

Theos,  Thanks for the response, not that I would wish this experience on anybody, but its nice to know there are caring people out there who can relate !   You are right about the rejection issue, very hard to not be angry and bitter, trying very hard to take the high road and live out my faith in God through this situation. The settlement/house building situation gets more complicated as my wife may lose her job because of budget cuts to the school district, the mediator has told her she owes me $205,000 because of an iheritance from my Mom's passing, all our money is tied into this house (the sale of which is the only possible way for me to recoupe my inheritance without attaching her wages,   not going to happen), and now she tells me she plans to move out at the end of May !  Yes, she seems to be bound and determined to leave, the question is WHY.  Why now with everything financially in such a state of uncertainty ?!  The bottom line for me is that I still love my wife very much and although I know she wants something else, I would still be willing to stay on the property together (separate living spaces) while the financial situation improves, otherwise, I fear she will be in deep trouble and we will lose everything.  I tend to see things logically while she is reacting only to her emotinal state, I'm sure this is often the case. What's strange is that my emotional connection to her has intensified while she has completely withdrawn from me.  Difficult for me to understand what is happening and I find that my emotions are now in conflict with my common sense.  The more sad and distraught I become, the more I just try to forgive her and give her whatever she wants. I need to find the courage to move through this with confidence as well as commpassion for my wife without becoming a door mat.  This is a hard balance to find and keep with our situation.

[m_t]

slugbait - we started a thread for you. http://divorceinfo.com/heo/index.php/topic,15874.0.html

[Dino]

Just started reading I just feal lost. My wife seems not to care at all 20 years could it been that bad. worst is the little one (13 yeaqr old hates dad. Could be the age just got tired of all the crap and said so now I am more alone than ever. does that make since/

[LC]

Welcome to Helping Each Other aka HEO.  This is a wonderful place to find peace and comfort during some of the most difficult days.  It is also a place to ask questions and receive answers.  As many of us have found it's also a place for finding lifetime friends who live many miles apart and share in the good and bad times.  Many of us have met in person and have continued expanding our on line family.

This thread's purpose is to introduce each of us and to provide a newbie helpful suggestions on dealing with the "crud" that comes with divorce.  

If you are a newbie please post a new thread to let us welcome you individually and to post replies to you.  As more newbies find HEO this welcome thread should be a way for newbies to get to know each of us and find comfort in some of the suggestions.  Last I looked at the previous board there were over 450 registered members.  If we all conversed in this thread it would become quite lengthy.

About me, I myself stumbled across HEO about 7 years ago.  HEO at that time had a different format.  But as the family grew the board also had to keep up with technology. 

When I came to HEO I first lurked.  I tried to read up as much as I could to make me feel like I was not the only person who had or was experiencing the painful hurt that divorces can bring on.  I began to post and that helped tremendously.  Airing your feeling to those who can offer a fresh and sometime rational opinion when you feel totally irrational does help.  Sometimes you just want to vent.  Many times the posts had nothing to do with problems of the day.  Sometimes I would just ask for a joke or a funny to cheer me up.  And knowing you had people that you could talk to anytime was a wonderful feeling.  Of course many sleep during your  night so sometimes you would have to wait a bit.  But there was always someone who was around pretty quickly if you posted you were in need. 

Seems like in the more recent days there are less people who were around when I first came to HEO.  That's ok.  It's such a treat to have an oldie like me pop in and say hello.

I copied this from Pheonix: Many of us go through life without actually defining and clarifying what it is we want.  We get up in the morning, go through our routine, go to work, take care of our families and chores, have a bit of downtime, and go to bed.  The next day we push the repeat button.  The cycle drones on, day after day, but where are we really going?  If we keep going like that with no goal, no plan, we're kind of like that little mouse on a wheel in the dime store window....running, running, but never really getting anywhere. 

For me, similar to Pheonix,  I was so upset that I took lots of time for myself.  I got magazines and made a dream book.  For me one of the toughest things I experienced out of my divorce was the loss of my home. Not the house but my home.  So I got all different kinds of magazines and tore out the pages that represented something to me.  Might have been a living room that was decorated in a way that I wanted my next house to be.  Might have been a picture of kids playing with their parents, representing the sense of family I desire.  I couldn't exactly write like Pheonix describes but I could see a picture and it would make me think warm and fuzzy.  So I'd rip it out and put it in my dream book.  From time to time I look over that dream book and revise it as it's still represents my dreams and desires for my life.

Please everyone else join me in welcoming any newbies by telling your story, offering advice. etc.Oh and food for thought-- the actual marriage isn't what makes the relationship.  It's the relationship that makes the marriage.

[Lexy22]

Thank you for this wonderful site.

[tolerati]

Hi everyone. My name is Michael and I just discovered this website. My wife told me about a month ago that she did not love me anymore and was not attracted to me and wanted a divorce. She also said she wanted to live life a bit. She wanted to file a no-contest, gave me the house and was in a hurry to get to Mt. View. I finally agreed to sign off on it.  We are now in the waiting period before the Court Date is given. She moved out last week and moved about an hour and half away. She still occasionally texts me and calls me. She also still has some of her stuff at the house. I still love her but obviously if she does not love me she needs to be where she is.  And obviously I deserve someone who wants to love me.

But I have been all over the place over the place emotionally over the last couple over the past couple of weeks. I am  seeing a counselor. But my next appointment is not until the middle of the month. Most of what I need to deal with right now..is just going to have to take time anyway. But there are times when the house is so lonely...and it would be nice to have someone to talk to. I am fortunate to have caring co-workers and family but I do miss my wife and the life she seemed to bring to the place...

I would certainly welcome anyone's friendship and advice on getting through this period.

[tolerati]

Its a long story but in a nutshell..about a month ago my wife of three years told me that she did not love me anymore, was not attracted to me and wanted a chance to be happy so she wanted a divorce. This took place after she had contacted her daughter's father whom she had not spoken to in 17 years and who had no idea he had a daughter. They started talking several times a day every day until I told her that I could understand him calling and talking to his daughter but I did not understand him or her calling each other several times a day. At that point she told me she wanted a divorce. She said she had been unhappy for a long time. She quickly wanted to file a no-contest and has moved back to a town an hour and half from where I live to be closer to her parents and her daughter as she finishes High School.  We are currently in the waiting period before a court date is assigned.  I would welcome your prayers and friendship though all of this. I am trying to do the right thing through it all. But some days are better than others...

[Mikey]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm just starting the horrible process of divorce and have been feeling pretty crazy about all the unexpected emotions I'm having. I've been cruising depression websites, loneliness websites and anything else that might alleviate this pain. Then I came across this site and read up on loneliness and a bunch of other topics that finally put my out of control feelings in perspective. What a relief. Thanks for being there in advance and I look forward to coming thru this crud intact.

[uno]

thank u for the welcome. i really need to speak to people as i'm not coping with the lonliness and the divorce situation as my ex has got hold of my children.

[Quest2010]

My marriage of 5 years ended last September when my husband walked out one day. There had been no fights. No notice that there were problems in the marriage. His explanation was simply that he just wasn't marriage material. He wanted to "be himself" I was completely blindsided and devestated. The month after I pretty much stayed in a depressed hole. I didn't see or talk to anyone. I have since crawled out and am trying everyday to be optimistic about life, but each and every day is a struggle. My husband worked and I stayed home, so I have started a new job. I only have a couple friends, neither of whom are close, and basically no support system. So sometimes, like tonight when I found this board, loneliness completely overwhelms me.

I am just three months into this awful process which I read takes generally three years. I almost cried right there. I just can't even imagine. I guess like everybody I want the pain to end now.

But anyway, that's me.

[Dee]

My name is Dee my husband of 20 yrs left our home on jan 4th and I am feeling pretty crappy right now