Newbie Welcome (About HEO and about us)

[mike]

Wow,
So many new names on here since I first posted on here. I came here about 3 yeqrs ago and was a regular for quite a while. The pain and loss was so great that i thought that it would never end. I was married for 13 years and was with my ex for 23 years Which to me was the same as married. My ex spent the night with someone else and lied about it till I found out the truth.
That being said I was a complete mess, missed everything that we had and didn't know what to do next. Took me a lot of sleepless nights and lots of heo support to make it through it but I will tell you that I have made it through and so will you. Each day is a chance to move forward in your journey that you must take advantage of and try. You are stronger than you may think that you are, I found strength in myself that i never knew existed in me. The best thing I can say is that you have the ability to take this very tough situation and make it into something that you will move forward from a stronger, more grounded person. I know I have been very fortunate in my life even with what i have been through to make each day a better and brighter one. I'm finally dating someone that i was meant to be with but didn't know thats what i was supposed to do.
Dig deep in your soul and you will get through this tough time in your liife, and always remember that you have friends at HEO that genuinly care and will help you through. They did for me and I know they will for you.
Lots of love to each of you and nice to meet you from your friend,
Mike

[Michele]

I have just recently started to visit this site out of desperation.  Your story is very similar to mine and it does help to see other people make it through this tough time.  I am at a point where I know somewhere along the line I will be ok, I just don;t see how or when that will happen today.

[tany]

Hi All

I found this site kind of by accident. I just recently got divorced (dated back to May 5th) but have been going thru the pain for about 2 yrs now. My husband of 21 yrs has cheated on me throughout the marriage and I finally got strong enough to get a divorce, so I guess I qualify as "the one left" and "the leaver". It has been very hard and I still have feelings and am dealing with the insecurities of "what is wrong with ME?" and "are there any men out there who don't cheat??" I'm very old-fashioned so I guess I'm afraid that every guy out there will leave me in the dust when he finds out that I don't "put out". Pretty pathetic but, considering the fact that I met my ex when I was 17 and married him when I was 18, it's not hard to understand. I've been with this one guy most of my life so starting over is very hard to do. Anyone else out there like me or am I alone?? LOL

[arizonaann]

Hi Tany, and hi all,
I'm new to the site. Tany - I can relate very well. Met my husband at 17, married at 23, been married 13 years, now divorcing. I also count as the "the one left"
(he had a serious emotional & somewhat physical affair this past year) and the "leaver" (i've put my foot down and left). Starting over when the ONLY life you ever knew was the one with him - it''s indescribable. My ex was (is) a seriously successful person in a fairly high-profile career. I was so PROUD to be his wife - I thrived on that. And he was also proud of my career, encouraged me, etc. When we were good together, we were GREAT. But he had (has) a host of enormous personality problems that always got us into trouble. He was  verbally abusive when we fought...I learned to modify my behavior to not make him mad...I blamed myself when he did get mad for not being patient enough or thoughtful enough or whatever...I made excuses for his behavior to myself, to my family, and alienated myself from a lot of people for his sake. He was a workaholic, we never vacationed or did anything together outside the house - like just shopping or something simple like that.
    Then lots of stuff happened in between...a few times he was physically abusive - I told him the last time that happened that if he ever touched me again, he'd never see me. That was the end of that, but there were other temper tantrums that were frankly just as bad - he'd throw dinner on the floor for example, or some other such childish behavior. Just goes to show he could control it if he wanted to. He chose not to. I became very disillusioned, very, very unhappy, particularly when we were just about to adopt a child and at the last minute he decided he didn't want that. That's when I found out he was having an affair. That went on a year, with him swearing several times that he broke it off (he did try, but not really hard enough frankly - he liked the attention too much, and she had actually LEFT her husband for him - she's crazy too). Anyway, the irony is, he has since cut her out of his life (with a restraining order no less) - but it's too little too late. He did that only AFTER i'd left. What a mess.
     I later learned from friends that he had always been a bit of a philanderer - not out and out cheating, but enjoying female attention and not really acting married. A lot of people were disgusted but never told me this till now - I guess people don't like to get involved. Plus: I didn't want to hear it - i always defended him.
    bottom line, he's now seeing a therapist and trying to work out his personality disorders. He wants me back. But I feel SO BETRAYED. I don't think I can ever forgive this stuff. That said: starting over is hell. I miss the life I had with him. I feel like a nobody without him (this is bad, I know..)
    Tany - I was old-fashioned too, I just wanted a solid, loving marriage, a family, no drama. I got the opposite. I got my very own "Lifetime" special and now I'm cleaning up the mess. I too feel like - what is wrong with me, why wasn't I enough?? Why does he only want me now because I don't want him? When I wanted him, he treated me like dirt - really and truly. We've been separated 2 months now and I filed for the divorce last week. Most days right now I feel like I might not make it. I have a job, a family, friends - much as I want to value all that, it's all I can do just to breathe right now.  Phew, sorry for the long post. My therapist's been on vacation..

[Nicki]

Hi everyone - I am way down in New Zealand (is anyone else?).  I identify with Melba who talks about getting into relationships too early - because of the loneliness and sadness.  I have spent the last 4 months or so narrowly avoiding that (internet dating etc).  I know God is inviting me to use this time/journey as an opportunity to really discover who I am - to be "found"; by myself, and by him (I guess).  But the day-to-day reality is not so easy (is it guys?!).  I don't know if I'm brave or strong enough to accept that invitation.  I just want to lie down in the arms of someone who thinks I'm great - to be hugged, to come home to, to meet for coffee, to send cute texts to ... you know, all that stuff that we grew up thinking we would have in our relationships.  My husband left just over a year ago after being together for 17 years (since we were 20).  Our marriage had always been difficult but over the last 3-4 years he slowly gave up, and I didn't see it for what it was.  He now has a serious girlfriend.  I find myself back in the place of not accepting that I am on my own.  I don't have a partner.  I don't have a special someone.  I don't like it here.  I want to get off!  Well, good night ... I'm tired all the time again at the moment.  Nicki

[ecnumbers]

My husband called me last week for a divorce.  It was like getting hit over the head with a shovel the shock was so great.  His whole family thinks that his affair was all in my head, but he admitted it to me this weekend.

He's got lots of reasons that he did what he did -- I'm not sure I want to take him back.  This is hell

[Irish]

I've never used a forum before. Hope this goes to the right place.
I'm new. Been with my husband for 40 years, we've been married for 39 years, in a few months. He has left and of course blaming me to justify his affair that started on an online game. He's had other affairs through-out the years but I always made excuses. Of course on a good day I have excuses for this one too. And truth be told he has had a terrible last four years. I think this gal is going to hang on like a tick though. He is close to retirement and has a settlement from a very serious work related accident. I too am on the rollercoaster and I tried very hard to handle it different this time. He is a good guy in many ways but then there's that evil twin that pops up and here I go again.
He moved out while I was out of town for 3 days to take my mom to visit my brother. Said he suddenly felt comfortable with me not around. Of course I found out that he had made reservations for a place a week prior to his sudden level of comfort. He had been emailing her love letters and calling her to the tune of 2000 minutes a month not to mention on the game with her every waking moment. I have tolerated this for almost three years now. I decided to have grace and integrety after praying day and night while delivering his dinner to him everynight as he sat on the game with her.Asked him how his day was when he came home, etc. etc.
Everyone told me to throw the computer out the door. But I had decided to let him take it as far as he was going to take it. I had to know, without my intervention, who I was really married to at this late stage of my life. The solace I do find is that I had the ability to love someone that much for that long and believe the best about him whether he truly loved me or not. And I wanted to be sure that I didn't do anything to push him out the door. Well here I am with my grace and integrety. Although, I have to admit, it does give me peace when peace comes. So I am pressing on and being a lady the few times we have talked. Always treating him as a gentleman as I have told myself to remember who I am. And that too is what I hang on to. Who I am. I do sleep better than I expected but the days are pretty tough. Thanks for providing this forum.

[classic_rock]

hi everyone i am from North carolina and recently going through a divorce,my wife of 11 years cheated on me with a coworker and had embezzled money from her company to give to this man.....i had to read about it in the papaer to find out about it..totally caught me off guard. I tried to work things  out with her but she lied to me so many times even while we were in counseling so i moved out...told her i need to get away and find peace for myself. She has yet to go to court over this and its been almost three years so i am not realy sure if she ever will.We continued to date and go out and i was starting to feel like maybe i could trust her again when i suddenly found out she was dating my best friends brother behind my back!!. So now i have filed for divorce but she keeps telling me by text messages that she loves me and misses me and wishes that someday we could get back together{even though she is still seeing this other man}if she really loved me why would she be doing this to me? Any insights to this situation?

[hnybare]

Hello everyone,
Just found this site. Hope it helps me. I am so lonely.  It's morning I am all alone.  Do not have any
girlfriend to hang with or talk to.  Can not talk with family. My sons are 26 and 30 I can talk a
little to my 26 year old son.  But I don't  want him to know everything.  My husband told me in
July he was not happy for last 5 yrs I did't know that. Wants divorce.  We have been together
20 yrs and married 13 yrs.  He says we just don't click!!  What does that mean? We are
living together in seperate rooms. Which is hard cause I still love him. Goes to bar after work
cause he is stressed. Come homes whenever. Ever friday is he night out, come home in
middle of night. I can't sleep till he is home. I see a counsler it helps when I am there.
But when I leave all the bad feelings creep back in my heart. It kills me not knowing where
he is all the time when he leaves.  How do I get over this feeling. It's killing me?

[Aim]

Hello everyone,
Just found this site. Hope it helps me. I am so lonely.  It's morning I am all alone.  Do not have any
girlfriend to hang with or talk to.  Can not talk with family. My sons are 26 and 30 I can talk a
little to my 26 year old son.  But I don't  want him to know everything.  My husband told me in
July he was not happy for last 5 yrs I did't know that. Wants divorce.  We have been together
20 yrs and married 13 yrs.  He says we just don't click!!  What does that mean? We are
living together in seperate rooms. Which is hard cause I still love him. Goes to bar after work
cause he is stressed. Come homes whenever. Ever friday is he night out, come home in
middle of night. I can't sleep till he is home. I see a counsler it helps when I am there.
But when I leave all the bad feelings creep back in my heart. It kills me not knowing where
he is all the time when he leaves.  How do I get over this feeling. It's killing me?

Folks responded to you below - here is the link to the thread:

http://divorceinfo.com/heo/index.php/topic,14695.0.html

[lost2]

Hello everyone.
I just found out last Tuesday that my husband is seeing another woman.  I feel like my whole world has been ripped out from under me.  I can't sleep, I can't eat.  I don't know if I can do this.  I love him so much and I don't want to be in this situation.  My whole life has been devoted to him.  This is killing me.

[Laughing]

New Year's Eve.  I'm hoping and praying that 2009 turns a corner.  Jan. 2008 I found what my heart had been telling me - my husband of more than 20 years was leading a double life.  It seems that his time on the computer late at night wasn't checking the weather or the bank account balance.  He was on a forum - not this one.  One very different.  But having little chats wasn't enough.  He started to meet some of the people face-to-face.  He lied about where he was, what he was doing.  I hired a PI just to verify.  Yup.  So I sat back and watched, and gathered information.  Joined a support group for women who's husbands struggle with sexual purity.  Grew strong.  Gathered copies of papers.  Met with an attorney.  Grew strong.  Went to counseling.  Scheduled an intervention.  Grew strong.  Filed for separation.  Now, here I am, waiting for the divorce to be final.  I married him for life, apparently he thought I did too.  He just thought he could be married and play too.  Well, he chose the wrong partner to sit back and take what was left over.  God help me survive this.

[milmom073]

Hi I'm new to this forum also.  After 8 years of being separated, 5 years of divorce, 3 years on Catholic Match I'm sick and tired of being lonely.  Does anyone here have any suggestions?  I was married 25 years. I didn't want the divorce, and did all within my power to reconcile even making an attempt after the divorce was finalized.  All to no avail.  I've had absolutely NO interest in any of the dating sites and am now feeling my self worth at almost zero!  The "am I a loveable person" is my issue right now.

I gave the best years of my life to this man, my youth, my beauty, my energy and now I"m left with nothing after all those years of giving.  Seeking help for depression and counseling haven't changed anything!  I'm still single, hating it and angry that I have to live a celibate life because of his decision to seek out a sexy younger women during his mid life crisis. 

Help and suggestions to get through this would be welcomed.

God Bless
Rachel

[likeswindinhair]

im just sick inside trying too take next step in the divorce process. its the secound time ive been here looking for live help

[Theos]

Well, I hardly know where to start, how much to say, but I finally met with a lawyer friend of mine today who turned me on to this site. I was glad to see that there's a forum where thoughts, frustrations, joys, and non-related stuff can be posted to a community of individuals that have traveled, or are traveling, a similar path.

I separated from my wife of many years just 8 months ago. Sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday when I left because the emotions are ever raw and we never really put our hearts on the shelf. I have regular contact with my wife and my children have started to come around now and don't appear to hate me as they did when I first explained that I was leaving. Now, I am somewhat in between two worlds: there's the world I came from and the world of living alone. I feel at times like I have dual citizenship but live in a third country. Does that make sense? Perhaps it will get better over time. On the bright side I have good relations with my wife. We are friends and still talk on the phone and I try to do all I possibly can to help support her and the children, no complaints there. Insofar as divorce is concerned there's really no battle there ... just a matter of dealing with the legal logistics to be done with it. Regrettably, I was among the half a million plus souls that was laid off back in December and so that's certainly thrown an added stress into the picture.

I was a former minister in another life and post separation lost many "friends" who could not believe I would ever do such a thing. There's not too much patience or grace for fallen ministers ... sad to say. Truth is they are made out of the same cookie dough as everyone else. So, these days I have a few friends that love me and that I can call upon. But for the most part I am alone and learning to get on with life one day at a time. It's nice to begin this process. I'm scared, excited,  nervous, stressed, but hopeful that things will go smoothly.

Look forward to making some new friends here.