Just having a chit chat

[TCharles]

Lost,

Way I see it...you have two choioces....

You can continue to take things day to day, give him time to find himself and see what happens.  This is the route I have taken with my stbx.  Isn't easy, and in fact is VERY VERY hard sometimes.  Been 7 months for me now...I'm still doing it.....committed to do it till first of year.  I think my stbx is worth it....and I truly think she needs the time....she was ready to file, get divorced and move on completely.....it was MY choice to give her the time, she did NOT ask for it, or try to keep me haning on.

but not all situations are the same.....

You also have a second option....that option is to take charge of your own life and make the best of it with what you have at hand....

YOU and YOUR kids have rights too.  Plain and simple, tell him its time to shit or get off the pot.  Either come or go, but one way or another, you and the kids have to know what the future looks like and you need to make some plans.

I can't tell you what is right for you...only you know your situation...only you know your stbx and what he is about.

As I said, I chose to give my stbx time....in my case I think it is justified and regardless....again, it IS MY CHOICE...it isn't forced on me.

I guess the only other thing I can ad is that this is also the time you need to be honest with yourself....listen to that little voice inside.  My decision was based on a serious chat God had with me, and maybe for the first time in my life, I chose to listen....we all have our own beliefs, and our own little voices...I've listened to mine and I'm comfortable with the choice I've made....even though it IS for sure hard sometimes to stick to that.....I can only suggest that you be honest with yourself, listen to that little voice you have inside and then find the courage to do what you know you must.

Best of luck,

TC

[TCharles]

Venting is good and that is a lot of what this board is about....much better to come here and vent amongst friends that understand than to say something to someone in person that you will later regret.

Besides...as I'm sure you have seen, several of us on here are pretty opinionated Ol' SoB's and if we think you are going off the deep end we probably won't hesitate to tell ya so.

TC

[SaraEmily]

i believe in giving it all Ive got for my sake and my children,

You have to give it your all so that you can live w/ the results either way. That is one thing I know w/ no doubt . . .I did all I could to save my marriage. . .so no regrets there.

How old are your kids?

[DavidGNJ]

I am starting to feel that way with my ex... I do all I can and am doing everything right.  but if she chooses to do wrong things, I will still go to bed at night knowing what I did was right.  Even if it means it hurts me too (I know I am being a little vague).  Sometimes the best we can do is to know what is truly in our heart and stop trying to force everyone else to act like an adult (right TC)?

[TCharles]

David,

We can't, well we can, but we shouldn't FORCE anyone else to live their lives in any way...it IS their choice, just as how we live ours is our choice.

I make my choices on a daily basis....I try to live my life based on a set of old fashioned values that I believe are what make this country what it can be.  I believe in honesty and integrity......if you have those things in your life...and you are honest with yourself (something that isn't always easy to accomplish) then everything else will fall into place.  

If we try to control other people, which is definately tempting, we are first fooling ourselves, or lying to ourselves......we can not control other people's actions....we can only control ourselves.....and we need to live our lives such that we can look ourselves in the mirror in the mornings, whithout saying to your self....."SELF, what the fuck did you do that for!"

I don't agree with everything my stbx does or is doing.....but, I can say that she has NOT lied to me, cheated on me, or tried to decieve me.  In the same regard, I have tried very hard to be her friend, tell her what I really think, be there when she needs me, and give her an honest chance to discover what she wants to do with the rest of her life.....I hope the answer she comes to is that she wants us to give it another shot, to learn from our mistakes and build on our reborn communication....BUT, if she chooses that this just isn't for her, I don't want her to be with me out of guilt, or because she needs my money, etc...I only want her to be with me if she wants/chooses to be with me...and if she doesn't, I will know I did everything possible...that I listened to God and my own little voice and followed what I heard....and it just wasnt' meant to be....not easy, but at least I know I did what I knew was right for me.  And with that, I can sleep in peace at night.

TC

[SaraEmily]

sara my kids are 22 19 15 and 8 its the oldest kids who dont want me to give in, they seem to believe that some how it will all work out, because we were such a tight family, the older kids are in shock,there never was any fighting or signs , just a dad who works alot, we have too many good years to throw it away with out a fight, i guess im not ready to give up yet,,,

Wow, yeah I think it brings another kind of factor into the situation when the kids are older. A lot of hard feelings can occur. I know I can't imagine my parents splitting and would have a hard time dealing with it. I just want you to know you will be in my prayers.

Sara

[DavidGNJ]

I have always tried to do the right things, have never lied to her and probably been more honest than I should have been at some times... but I can't say the same for her.  I know I can't control her life or force her to act like an adult.  I also know she will never do it just to make my life easier... but if your ex moved on and found a happier life would you continue to hate her?  But... you are right... the best I can ever do is look in the mirror and be happy with who is looking back at me.  Like I said - I know I have made mistakes, but the blame is not all mine and I refuse to guilty all the time.

[TATI]

Oh Lost, so sorry that you are have a rough time.  There is sure some good advice. Have you ever heard of the book Love must be Tough by something Dobson.  He wrote the tough love book.  He believes that when a person wants out of a marriage it is because of loss of respect for ones spouse.  And the if one wants the relationship to continue that we must work on ourselves, making ourselves strong and believe in ourselves.  We must believe that our spouse enhances our lives.  If you have a chance pick up a copy because it really helped me and I refer to it often.  There is also alot of information in it about aduery.  Take care and hugs.  You are going to be so fine girl.

[TATI]

I hate the law, it's so fair here.  We are still in discussion about debt.  I refuse to pay for prickface going to Salt Spring with dicklicker.  I am absolutely not paying for that or anything to do with her.  And he put it all on our credit cards and I refuse..... to pay for that portion.  When God was giving our brains he thought they said, oh sorry he woudl have to have a brain to have a thought.  The investigative service said he wasn't suppose to contact me while the spousal abuse is being investigated but his superiors have decided he isn't a threat to me so he can call me if he wants. So much for abuse not being tolerated in the military.  Guess it's who you iknow and what rank you are.
I do not want anything to do with him.  When I hear from him I go backwards and that's not progress for me.  So I am having a fucking Tuesday.  I am so pissed off I could spit.  Or swear or something. I don't believe that he will be charged.  They will just slide under a carpet somewhere.  I AM SO PISSED OFF

[Wolfy]

This is where I try to say something profound. However, TCharles has beat me to the punch. I agree with what he said. Hang in there lost. You can yell in my ear and cry on my shoulder anytime.

[shaggymag]

Hey tati,
I want to say something profound too but if anyone has had too much grape juice tonite it's me.  I'm sure you don't need to rehash for me, but since I'm new, I'm just now getting a bit more about your situation and when physical abuse pops it's ugly eyes up, I'm incensed and I want a gazillion Wolfy's and a gazillion Ho$$'s to help us kick ass.  I want those abusers to burn in hell while someone slowly and very painfully toasts their gonads...How's about ex's and STBX's on a spit...A new BBQ phenom?

Had a good/bad day myself.  At times I wish my close friends would just nod when I say things because they don't know a fiddler's fuck about what we're going thru but they have to get their 2 sense in and it's usually judgemental which I detest.  Wish I had someone tonite to put me in a corner and let me sleep it off but I'll be content if I can just sleep for a couple hrs.

[TATI]

No you are not unless you choose to me.  I realized when I was a the lawyers  this morning that everytime he said to me"are yu sure you want to do that I would question myself.  Before I go on Thursday I am going to practice saying yes I'm sure.  I really good friend told me that people treat me the way I let them.  He treats you the way you let him Lost.  Do not let him,. Believe in you.  You are not a pushover unless you choose to be.  Choose not to be!!!!!!!

[TATI]

I have to go to bed Take care and have a great sleep Lost

[Wolfy]

I'm doing good. a little quiet tonight. Its getting to be about bed time. Nothing on TV now.

[TATI]

I am still up.   i think I'm going a little mad tonight.  Here is me moving to a new country, new house, no friends, no job, renovations, trying desperately to cope with all of that plus dipshit.  I know everyone has different things mixed together in the pot and they have to cope with it.  Today it's just all too much for me.