Spouse demanding rope.

[Dallas]

I'm in negotiations with my wife trying to reach a settlement proposal.  I have consulted with three lawyers and retained one of them.  Each lawyer has said the same thing when asked about the marital home and that is it will have to be sold.  On the other hand, my wife has seen one lawyer for a free consult.  Apparently that lawyer put in her head that she can keep the house.  What she wants me to do is pay her child support (no problem there) and to pay for the mortgage for 5 years in lieu.  The mortgage payment (p&I plus escrow) is almost $400 more than what my lawyer thinks a reasonable judge would award given our circumstances.  However, my lawyer also said that a judge might award alimony for significantly longer than 5 years.  I would like to reach a settlement and avoid the crap shoot and money pit a trial would be.  I think that I can survive for 5 years on $400 less than I have to.  And I think I can make the property split more or less equal by keeping an equity interest in the house (principal pay down and home value appreciation outweighs the loss of alimony deduction).  So technically, I can do what my wife is asking. 

My wife doesn't have a job yet, but realizes she needs one.  Her earning potential is not that great (maybe $1280/month).  She thinks that her income from a job and child support will be enough to pay all the bills (other than the mortgage) for her and 3 children while in such a large house. My lawyer and I think she will not be able to manage.  I have encouraged my wife to write out a realistic budget, but she has of yet not done so.  My lawyer has as much as said that the lawyer that my wife went to see that one time is known to be incompetent.  I have suggested that she find herself a lawyer (hopefully another one) to advise her on what a reasonable settlement would be.  What I have been suggesting is that she take her half of the money from the sell of the house and other assets (~$100,000) and use it to buy a house with little or no mortgage on it.  That way any alimony I pay her will actually be available for paying bills.  She has really dug in her heals and tells me that if she can't handle the bills that it would be her problem, not mine. I'm afraid that the children will suffer and that my wife will become bitter when ends don't meet.

So, what should I do?  Should I hand her that length of rope and let her hang herself or keep trying to reason with her?

Dallas

[livealittle]

You sound so much like you want to do the right thing.  Until she has retained an attorney, you and your attorney can only do so much.  It is the whole " lead a horse to water but can't make him drink" thing.  Kudos to you for wanting to be sure your children are provided for.  I'm sure you will continue to be a caring and responsible father.

good luck to you.


I know this reponse wasn't very helpful, but I hope it was encouraging for you. 

[alamom]

What has your lawyer advised you to do?

[Dallas]

My lawyer has advised that I need to weigh the risk of going to trial if a settlement cannot be reached against paying more than would ordinarily be reasonable.  In other words, she is not offering ethical advice.

Dallas

[livealittle]

sure she is.  Her job is to represent you and your interests alone.  Period.

[alamom]

What are the grounds for the divorce? Has the split been amicable? Who sought the divorce?

[needhelp]

I completely agree with your lawyer.  I dug in my heels because my lawyer nor I thought any judge would award what the final offer was.  I was right.  It was much worse & lifetime alimony plus the house.  Ex was early 30s, healthy, only out of the workforce for 5 years & held a master's degree.  It was a no fault divorce.  Take the 5 years!  If you don't think she will stay in the house, make sure you put a clause in defining what alimony will be in the case where the house is sold.  Better to address it now, than have to go back for clarification.

 

[Lee Borden]

I don't yet understand where the risk lies for you (or for your children) in accepting Mom's proposal. Make sure you add a provision that Mom will need to get your name off the mortgage at the end of five years, and make sure she waives alimony. As long as you have children living in the house, you'll be able to deduct the mortgage interest and property taxes, and then when the five years is up, you'll go back to paying child support. Sounds like a good deal for everybody that gives her time to see if she wan make it work.

[needhelp]

I was told that if the wording says that the house payment is to be made as periodic alimony payment, then it is deductible in full off the taxes.  I was also ordered to pay her health insurance & that was also fully deductible.

[Dallas]

What are the grounds for the divorce? Has the split been amicable? Who sought the divorce?

Irreconcilable differences as she wants an uncontested divorce and I don't think there has been misbehavior by her and I know there hasn't been by me.

Amicable?  So far we have been able to remain civil to each other.  I am still in the marital home (another room).

She sought the divorce, but made overtures of reconciliation last night.  Asked me what I was willing to do to make the marriage work.  I told her I thought we should go to counseling.  She flatly refused.  I turned it around and asked her what she was willing to do.  She said she'd be less mean.  I told her that we both needed to make some changes.  She said she accepted some of the responsibility.  I asked how much.  She said it was 25% her fault and 75% mine.  Well, I guess we're moving in the right direction 'cause last week according to my wife it was 100% my fault.

It is sort of funny.  She's the one who wanted this divorce, but it is me who is doing all the leg work (hiring a lawyer, trying to work up settlement proposals, separating our finances).

Dallas

[Dallas]

I completely agree with your lawyer.  I dug in my heels because my lawyer nor I thought any judge would award what the final offer was.  I was right.  It was much worse & lifetime alimony plus the house.  Ex was early 30s, healthy, only out of the workforce for 5 years & held a master's degree.  It was a no fault divorce.  Take the 5 years!  If you don't think she will stay in the house, make sure you put a clause in defining what alimony will be in the case where the house is sold.  Better to address it now, than have to go back for clarification.

Holy cow!  Was this an Alabama divorce?  This is what I hate the most about this whole thing.  It's a crap shoot!

Thanks for the advise.

Dallas

[needhelp]

Yep, it was Shelby Co. AL

[Jade]

My lawyer has advised that I need to weigh the risk of going to trial if a settlement cannot be reached against paying more than would ordinarily be reasonable.  In other words, she is not offering ethical advice.

Dallas

That is very ethical advice.  She told you quite plainly that it may cost you more if you go to trial.  And to decide which way you would prefer to go.  What is not ethical about that?

[Jade]

I don't yet understand where the risk lies for you (or for your children) in accepting Mom's proposal. Make sure you add a provision that Mom will need to get your name off the mortgage at the end of five years, and make sure she waives alimony. As long as you have children living in the house, you'll be able to deduct the mortgage interest and property taxes, and then when the five years is up, you'll go back to paying child support. Sounds like a good deal for everybody that gives her time to see if she wan make it work.

I am not sure that I am understanding what you are saying here, are you saying that just for the five years, he will be able to deduct the mortgage interest and property taxes? Which is true, since he would be paying the entire mortgage payment, including escrow.  Or are you saying that he can deduct the interest and taxes for the entire time that the children are living there?  If so, he really should consult with a tax attorney.  Because I know that my stbx won't be able to claim any of the interest or property taxes, regardless of how long the children are there.

[Lee Borden]

I may be misunderstanding the facts. A person can deduct the interest and taxes portion of the mortgage payments he makes on a home loan for which he is personally liable if he has a family member (like a child) living in the home. An ex-spouse doesn't count.