new wife vs old wife

[axisIIterrorvictim]

Do you know if there are any cases involving new wife asking courts for sanctions against old wife for damages due to chaos and psychological harm  caused to new family? I have had it and I must protect my kids in some way.my husband is now clinically depressed.  i pay legal fees from my income , my children are distressed over lack of access to their siblings, ruined vacations, cancelled visitation etc.

[m_t]

Depending on what she's doing, a restraining order may be issued, but you're not likely to get any money out of her. If she's denying visitation, Dad can take her to court for contempt.

[Lee Borden]

I'm with MT on this. You don't have any extra rights for legal relief against Mom, so imagine that she's simply a next-door neighbor and envision the legal remedies you could pursue against her in that context.

In the majority of cases like this, using legal relief would be likely to make things worse, not better. Unless Mom is endangering you or threatening to injure someone, you may come out better if you just smile sweetly and put up with it.

[axisIIterrorvictim]

The degree of  conflict with the ex-spouse was shown in the literature to be a critical predictor of child well-being after divorce.The damage is done to subsequent children as well.  The factor with the greatest importance for the child's adaptation is the degree of conflict between the parents postdivorce . Conflict spills over to the whole family unit. Parents become emotionally unavailable to their children and current spouse. as they cope with ex's antics. Children can read their parents affect and behavior in response to on-going high conflict.All children. Not only children from the first marriage.

My question is...if I decide I can't handle this anymore and i wish to file for divorce....how is child support and alimony calculated in regards to other child support previously filed? If one ex files for modification how does it affect second ex's court ordered support? Would my support be impacted by her change in employment status and visa versa?

[Piedpiper]

My question is...if I decide I can't handle this anymore and i wish to file for divorce....how is child support and alimony calculated in regards to other child support previously filed?

If you're in Alabama, I recommend you use Lee's CS calculator.  You'll see a spot for previously ordered CS obligations and how they'll affect this that or the other.

As to the rest...  you can only rule your actions and your REACTIONS.  I hate to hear you're willing to divorce this guy because of an ex.  She 'wins' and you handed it right on over to her.

[anniewalker]

I gotta know, what is this woman doing that is so appalling that you are contemplating divorce???

[m_t]

And, of course, conflict is a two-way street.

[axisIIterrorvictim]

Basically..she used my husband as a sperm donor to give allow her to give birth to children. She was/is a lesbian and did not disclose that until after divorce. My husband worked two jobs to put her through dental school. she divorced him shortly after. They split debt 50/50 upon divorce...she then declared bankruptcy with her share of debt  after divorce. She was earning $150,000 15 years ago, he was earning 30,000. He was too proud to go for alimony...She has never adhered to agreed upon vistation in divorce or post divorce settlement...visitation that finally DID doccur is interrupted by dozens of phone calls to kids...promising them all sorts of presents and trips to Toy R Us "the minute you get back from Daddy"s".  She had a friend of hers who is a pharmacist look up my entire families prescription records!! She came to our home once to pick up kids and "accidental took our mail, which included a bank statement of MINE .
 She doesn't answer phone. When he gets her, the children are "out", she doesn't give them messages that  father has called. She went out of state for a visit and then said she was moving . In truth she had already accepted a job that she could have easily obtained near the father. She is not home  with kids when he goes to pick them up..he waits for hours. She agrees to children attending special functions, my husband goes to get them and they are not there. My daughter's wedding was held up for three hours waiting for the flower girls...

She changed the religion of kids without consent and then claimed that he could not see children due to religious restrictions...when she moved them out of state...they stopped practicing that religion totally. Now she didn't need religion to use as an excuse for inhibiting vistation...

We can't get a schedule out of her for out of state visitation. She refuses to pay for airline tickets when we can get them She won't give us dates that allow us to afford the tickets. Last year we didn't get a response till December 23 for Christmas break. She tells us the kids have team/club commitments and they can't come. We call coaches and the coach tells us It's not true.....We buy tickets and they miss the plane because she was late or she doesn't even take them to airport because she has  "emergencies"...She refuses go for family counseling with my husband,  makes all decisions unilaterally. She enrolls kids in extremely expensive schools and camps..expects my husband to pay without any  voice in decisions and with no legal basis to do so..then tells kids they can't go because daddy won't pay.... or sets her self up as the hero and pays....sending the message that Mommy is the better parent because she buys them every thing and Daddy won't. She now is saying she can't work to stay home with the children because they need her...they don't have any one else....The  list goes on and on........

I feel very bitter because my husband is a really good, kind and loving man. A great, involved  father who would have loved to be very included in his kids life. Instead, he can't realistically parent them from across the country. We do not have the resources to fight her again legally. She built these mountains successfully to keep him away from his kids...knowing fully he couldn't realistically come after her. My children love their sisters and miss them all the time...she brings sadness and stress to our family that is not deserved...We want  them in our lives.

Realistically..they are not my kids..it's my husbands battle. But the war has taken it's toll and leaves little left for the rest of us..Now he is talking about using our home equity to take her to court again for custody...or ask court to force her to move back as she is unemployed again.The last court battle lasted two years and killed us .

I don't think I can go another round but how do I refuse my husband need and desire to be with his children? I can't ask him to walk away from them but I don't think I can take it emotionally and I don't want the marital assets spent foolishly chasing windmills

[m_t]

And what has HE done to enforce his rights? I understand that hiring a lawyer is expensive and not always possible, but every state has provisions for people to represent themselves and there is a TON of legal information out there to educate oneself with.

[anniewalker]

Where do you live? Where do the children live?  It may be less complicated then you think to get this worked out.
First.

We can't get a schedule out of her for out of state visitation

I wouldn't be trying to get a schedule out of her, I'd get it out of the court.  And it would be VERY VERY specific.  A good lawyer can help you draw one up.  It wouldn't take a big production, just a motion to modify visitation.  I would want definite language "the children will stay wit the father from June 1 through June 14.  The father will purchase airline tickets with departures on June 1 and return dates on June 14.  Mother will make sure that children are on the appointed flights or will be in contempt of this order.  Father will return the children on the appointed flights or will be in contempt of this order."  Put in some language about a fine or something for being in contempt.  I wouldn't bother with the ASKING her when he can see the children, she apparently isn't good with that.  I'd go for asking the court to declare it.

Second.

visitation that finally DID doccur is interrupted by dozens of phone calls to kids...promising them all sorts of presents and trips to Toy R Us "the minute you get back from Daddy"s". 

  Don't you have caller ID and an answering machine?  Get a telephone visitation schedule as well.  Let her know she can call the kids at X: XX a/p m and talk for 5 minutes each and that is it.  Anything else, leave a message.

Third.

accidental took our mail

Thankfully she's far away now, so that shouldn't happen.  But in the future, I'd limit her to the doorstep.

Fourth

She enrolls kids in extremely expensive schools and camps..expects my husband to pay without any  voice in decisions and with no legal basis to do so..then tells kids they can't go because daddy won't pay.... or sets her self up as the hero and pays....sending the message that Mommy is the better parent because she buys them every thing and Daddy won't.

  If she is going to play the money game with the kids, then dad is going to have to explain the rules of the game to them.  Generally, I don't think kids should be privy to info regarding adult's finances, but there are always exceptions.  Daddy should explain to the kids that he and mommy made an agreement.  Daddy would pay a certain amount of money each month to mommy and that money is to take care of things they need.  If mommy goes over her budget, then it isn't fair to daddy to make him pay for those things.  If mommy wanted something special, she should have asked daddy and he might have been able to help, but daddy has a budget, too.  Be calm.  Be matter of fact.  Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for sometimes.

Last, in a nutshell, I think your husband needs a new visitation order.  One with very clear language and ZERO ambiguity.  If possible, one that also sets out consequences for non compliance.  Hopefully a long drawn out battle is not the only way to deal with this very difficult woman!!!

Best of luck and God bless you!
Annie