giving up

[merlinmech]

   I am officially giving up on my marriage.  Am going to have the lawyer file monday.  The day before yesterday,  I parked in front of "his" house when it was time for her to get off work (3:30 am).  Now, she did'nt know I found his adress.  And sure enough,  5 min. after work she shows up.  Parks right in front, uses her own key to walk in, goes to the kitchen and starts doing dishes.  When he gets home at 5,  all the lights go off.  That's enough for me.  When I go to her house to pick up the kids after work,  I ask her why so late getting home?  She said she was tired in the morning and did'nt want to drive so she stayed with friends.(26 mile drive).  The next day, I tell her I need to talk to her befor I go to work, she said she was going to work out with a girlfriend.  I said I could wait.  Needless to say, she kept making excuses.  When I finally confronted her about it face to face, she just kept making up lies. Even after I told her I was in front of his house watching, she still played that "just friends" shit.
   I've had all I can take.  I've really tried to see it her way, but she just want's too much from me.  I can't accept another man.  I told her that and she said she would'nt let me choose her friends. 
  Then yesterday, when the kids got there after school, he was there (with a big biker dude according to my kids lol).  She told them she had someone to introduce them to. Did'nt go to well for her.   My daughter just ignored him and went upstairs yelling down, "she's married".  lol    My son just said "hey", and walked out.   I DO have great kids.   She wrote me an e-mail later that night telling me how great it went. 
   She has one hour with them every day after school, and that's how she spent that one.  Giggling like a school girl and hanging on his every word, ignoring the kids.  That's the hayfield that broke the camels back.  No turning back now.  No chance for R. 
  I know all you folks have been gently pushing me this way for a while now, I just did'nt want to see it.  Thank you for your patients and understanding.  A whole new world is about to open up, and I'mnot sure I want to go.


  I'll try to keep you posted as news happens so maybe you can keep me out of troubl.  The new boyfriend is tring to start something I think.  He sure sent some nasty texts anyway.

Gonna run for now.  Let meknow what you think.    merlin

[merlinmech]

  forgott to mention,  got cell phone records, she's been talking to this guy at least since december.  She talked to him an hour the day she broke the news to me.  Pretty cold huh?

[Aim]

Focus on yourself and your great kids!

Ignore (block?) any texts from him and keep away from him - he is not worth your time.

Any interactions with her should be about the kids- do not get involved in her game playing!

Always remember that you and the kids are going to be fine - and that we are here to help you every step of the way.

{{{HUGS}}}

[Wolfy]

Merlin

I'm sorry it's come to this but what else can you do? She's cheating on you and not woman enough to admit it when you have proof. That's not the kind of woman you can stay with. I bet it's going to be tough, but in the long run it will be best for you. Hang in there, man.

[Emptynester]

Annaka - as always you have given very sound advice.  I couldn't have said it better.  I feel exactly how you do.  Especially the line about not grieving for what was but rather for what could have been.  I would have loved the chance to have tried to save our marriage - but was cheated that much.  Instead was told it has been over for years - which was news to me.  It was over for him - but not for me.  In fact, I had many plans once the children went back to college on ideas to bring us closer together again.  Alas, it was too late.  

Merlin - good luck to you and your children.  It will be a long process, but in the end it will be worth it.  Stay focused on what is important - the children.  Be there to support them - but try to keep them out of the adult process.  Remember they are children and need to remain children.  They, too, will probably have problems coming to grip with their feelings.  I know a friend at work with children that went through divorce and besides their attorney's they had a divorce financial analys and a child psychologists for their children. They seemed to work out something that worked well for them, and the children were able to voice their concerns also.  No matter what - like Annaka said - you will be on a rollercoaster.

[BamaJan]

Merlin, I'm sorry. Been there myself. My ex-husband called me on the phone - didn't even have the guts to do it in person - to tell me he wanted a divorce. Looking through cell phone records, he immediately called the OW and talked for several hours on the phone with her... probably making plans for their future together - that never happened.

I know the pain you're going through now. Time will heal, I promise. Take care of yourself and your children. You will need as much strength as you can muster to get through the next few months. But you deserve more.

[allbusiness]

Well, now you know for sure. You seem very strong in your convictions to divorce at this time...good for you. It would take a whole heck of a lot at this point to regain your trust in her, as she is so "foggy" and continues to lie her behind off to try to make herself look better. "We're just friends" is a common line of adulterers, but her actions really show you the truth.

Your kids sound strong, too. Just be there for them and remind them you love them and will always be there. They need one stable, moral, loving parent through this time.

As for the texts from "boyfriend" - keep them and show them to your lawyer, once retained. If it continues, you can get an RO. If they are bad enough, you might be able to get an RO from her having him around the children, too. Make sure when you speak to the divorce attorney that you mention morality clauses, as some states will allow you to get items in the decree that forbid "overnights with anyone of the opposite sex that are not family members".

Everything she is doing is all about her - I hope you know that. She isn't thinking about you, she isn't thinking about your kids, ... she is just selfishly thinking about herself. There is absolutely nothing you did or could have done to prevent this behavior, because it is 100% on her.

Good luck to you on Monday and I'm sorry that you are going through this.

[Couttexca]

Looks like you've gotten lots of advice, I'm sorry for your pain.  Keep records of all interactions and try not to feed into any baiting done by OM or STBX.  My head's not really in a place this morning to give much more than that, just wanted you to know your still in my thoughts and prayers.

Keep your chin up,

-C

[new chapter]

So sorry Merlin my heart goes out to you. But at least you know now and though it's I'm sure going to take time you seem to be clear on the direction you're heading in. How could she treat you this way? You seem to be a very good man. Sending prayers up and good thoughts your way.

[merlinmech]

Well, I told her today that I am going to file on monday.  She accused me of not giving HER a chance!  Now, when this all started, she told me she wanted a divorce.  I was the one who got her to go to counceling and try to rebuild.  She has done nothing but make it more difficult every step of the way.  I told her she made her choice when she got her new boyfriend.  She went back on that rant about "you can't choose my friends".  She has the kids this weekend, so now she's telling them that she really does'nt want a divorce, he's just a friend, daddy's not giving me the time he promised".  So I keep getting text messages from my daughter, about giving her more time.    For what!  So she's got time to get moved in?  She told me she could'nt afford a lawyer.  I told her she should have thought about that before she left.  No more than we have together, it should'nt matter anyway.  We agree about pretty much everything, including the kids.   
   I just want this whole nitemare overwith.  I hear about how long some of these things drag on, and I really can't do that without a lot more medication.  I already feel a lot better just having a direction to go, something to work towards.  Of all the people I've talked to,  only one has said not to divorce her.  My councelor.  Needless to say I won't be getting any more advice from her.  
   As much damage as has been done, trust lost, I don't see any way to repair this marriage.  I just hope I can get through the divorce intact.  My poor kids are riding on the same roller coaster I have been, so maybe It"lll help them as well.   So maybe, let the healing begin??!!   I really hope so.     Thanx all    Merlin

[Wolfy]

It sounds like your stbx is going to drag your kids ito this. That's a shame. do your best to keep them out of it at your end. That's all you can do. Your kids will repect you for that.

[Couttexca]

JMHO- I think she is freaked because she thought she had something to fall back to if she decided she didn't like where her new life was going.  I also don't like the fact that it sounds like she is using the kids to apply pressure, this is between you two not the kids.  The kids shouldn't be getting pulled from either direction.  Sorry if this sounds harsh, like I said it's only my opinion. 

Sounds like you know the route you're taking, feels good to know something doesn't it?  Even if you decide to dump your counselor I do recommend finding one you like to continue with for yourself to help you deal with everything going on and any issues you think you need to work through from your marriage.  JMO.

You're doing really well, considering all your going through.

(hugs)
-C

[allbusiness]

Well, I told her today that I am going to file on monday.  She accused me of not giving HER a chance!  Now, when this all started, she told me she wanted a divorce.  I was the one who got her to go to counceling and try to rebuild.  She has done nothing but make it more difficult every step of the way.  I told her she made her choice when she got her new boyfriend.  She went back on that rant about "you can't choose my friends".  She has the kids this weekend, so now she's telling them that she really does'nt want a divorce, he's just a friend, daddy's not giving me the time he promised".  So I keep getting text messages from my daughter, about giving her more time.    For what!  So she's got time to get moved in?  She told me she could'nt afford a lawyer.  I told her she should have thought about that before she left.  No more than we have together, it should'nt matter anyway.  We agree about pretty much everything, including the kids.   
   I just want this whole nitemare overwith.  I hear about how long some of these things drag on, and I really can't do that without a lot more medication.  I already feel a lot better just having a direction to go, something to work towards.  Of all the people I've talked to,  only one has said not to divorce her.  My councelor.  Needless to say I won't be getting any more advice from her.  
   As much damage as has been done, trust lost, I don't see any way to repair this marriage.  I just hope I can get through the divorce intact.  My poor kids are riding on the same roller coaster I have been, so maybe It"lll help them as well.   So maybe, let the healing begin??!!   I really hope so.     Thanx all    Merlin

Now we move to the next phase they use out of the wayward spouse handbook - "I don't want a divorce! It's all his/her fault for not giving me time (to cake-eat and decide if my backup plan of my betrayed spouse is actually the better option), etc." She will do anything and everything to make you the "bad guy"...while all the while spouting that her male companion (that she spends the night with) is "just a friend".

There is so much more you can expect. There will be a rewriting of your marital history and so many lies she probably won't even be able to keep them straight.

Many counselors will give you the same advice. Many people will give you that same advice. Most informed me to give it 6 months to a year to allow the raw emotions to die down to see if reconciliation was even a possibility. However, that advice is for when the adultery has been ended...NOT while she is still engaged in it. You have to protect yourself and your children at this point...and she obviously isn't, since she is putting them smack dab in the middle of it all, between introducing them to "boyfriend" and all the crap she spewed to them.

Stay strong. This is the best course to knock her off the fence...but you have to do some hard thinking of "Will I take her back if she does come out of the fog?" It very well could happen...be prepared.

You are doing great so far.

[Stephy]

Merlin, I'm glad you made up your mind.  I think you've gotten a lot of good advice.

It sucks when your spouse goes to counseling with no intentions of rebuilding.  My ex and I went to a few sessions until he finally told me he hadn't loved me for almost 3 years.  That and a lot of other things he did while claiming to love me helped me make up my mind quickly.  I think he might have been cheating too, but not sure.  Don't want to know.  Doesn't matter.

Good luck, and we are here for you.

[ResetDad]

 ... My daughter just ignored him and went upstairs yelling down, "she's married".  lol

I'm sorry that she has decided to involve your kids ... but I love this response by your daughter.  She knows what's going on.

Your story sounds very familiar ... just be strong and stay true to yourself and you'll make it through