giving up

[merlinmech]

  Sorry Reset.  I did'nt.  I'm just a sucker for those big tears I guess.   I don't know, we started setting up schedules for the kids, and she started talking about how all she wanted was 6 months, and she did'nt want a divorce.  So, I gave it another month, until our first counceling session together.  Just kinda figured, what's one more month? 
  She went to another session today, and they put her on citalopram (sp)  for depression.  Same stuff they got me on.   They also told her she needs to tell everyone "it's none of their buisness".  Sounds like a hell of a way to make a marriage work.  Kinda funny how when I go to the councilor, she says it's all my fault.  When the wife goes, they say it's all my fault. I think I see a pattern here.   Hell, now they got me wanting to leave myself! 
  I am feeling a lot better now though.  A lot calmer.  Still a lot of hurt, but not quite as sharp.  I can at least function now.  I can sleep 4 or 5 hours now and eat pretty regular. Did lose 40 pounds in the last month, so some good did come out of it already  
  So, just keep surviving for now.  Some more wait and see.  At least it's not boring.
  Thanx everyone.  I hope I'm not making a mistake here. Gonna be watching close though.           Merlin

[BamaJan]

Take care of YOU, Merlin. This isn't just about her. It's about YOUR life too. 

[H0$$]

She just wanted six months huh? Just kind of a little time out on the marriage gig. How did you keep from laughing your ass off....cause I would have.

[TopGun]

Merlin, tell your wife if she has something to say to you, or about you, do it where the kids can not hear it.  There is no positive in her talking to your children about their dad in that manner.  The same goes for you, but I don't see that being a problem.  I think you are doing the right thing and I hope you keep us updated.  Take care of you and the kids, and leave her drama for her mama.  TG

[allbusiness]

  Sorry Reset.  I did'nt.  I'm just a sucker for those big tears I guess.   I don't know, we started setting up schedules for the kids, and she started talking about how all she wanted was 6 months, and she did'nt want a divorce.  So, I gave it another month, until our first counceling session together.  Just kinda figured, what's one more month? 
  She went to another session today, and they put her on citalopram (sp)  for depression.  Same stuff they got me on.   They also told her she needs to tell everyone "it's none of their buisness".  Sounds like a hell of a way to make a marriage work.  Kinda funny how when I go to the councilor, she says it's all my fault.  When the wife goes, they say it's all my fault. I think I see a pattern here.   Hell, now they got me wanting to leave myself! 
  I am feeling a lot better now though.  A lot calmer.  Still a lot of hurt, but not quite as sharp.  I can at least function now.  I can sleep 4 or 5 hours now and eat pretty regular. Did lose 40 pounds in the last month, so some good did come out of it already  
  So, just keep surviving for now.  Some more wait and see.  At least it's not boring.
  Thanx everyone.  I hope I'm not making a mistake here. Gonna be watching close though.           Merlin

And just what is she hoping for out of that 6 months? Time to cake-eat and then go back to the safe, dependable husband. I don't think so.

Giving it a month is okay, but if she hasn't come out of the "fog" by then, it probably won't be happening. Trust me, I know.

If you are waiting for your first joint counseling session, make sure to take your list of what is needed for reconciliation. First and foremost, the "friend" must go. Take the books "Not Just Friends" and "After The Affair" to the counseling session and tell her to read them.

I wish you lots of luck. Keep doing for YOU, though.

[merlinmech]

  It keeps getting better.  When I went to see why I had'nt got a cell phone bill, I see she changed the passwords.  She is paying the bill, but it's still in my name.  When I called her to ask about this, she said she did'nt want me to see any of her private buisness.  Now, I did'nt say anything because I can go get a copy anytime I want one.  But it sure does'nt make it seem like she's trying to hard to work things out.  More like how to get further away.  It's going to be a long month.   thanx again all.  merlin

[Wolfy]

The games some people play. (speaking of your stbx) Things like that just help justify your decision to get divorced.

[allbusiness]

  It keeps getting better.  When I went to see why I had'nt got a cell phone bill, I see she changed the passwords.  She is paying the bill, but it's still in my name.  When I called her to ask about this, she said she did'nt want me to see any of her private buisness.  Now, I did'nt say anything because I can go get a copy anytime I want one.  But it sure does'nt make it seem like she's trying to hard to work things out.  More like how to get further away.  It's going to be a long month.   thanx again all.  merlin

The only "private business" between spouses should be surprize parties and birthday gifts!

She has "secret business"!

Go change the password on YOUR phone plan. If she wants "secret business", she can get her own phone.

These are not the actions of someone wanting to fix anything. Don't delay if you feel YOU are not going to gain anything from waiting a month.

[slugbait]

Hey Merlin, sorry I've kind've been out of it for awhile. It's really hard for me to read your accounts of what she is doing/saying, and not compare it to what my wife said/did....eerily similar. In my case, I could've waited 1 month, or 1000 months....and it's clear now she was never coming back. So, its hard for me to be hopeful that this 1 month hiatus is going to reveal any changes, she likely spent a lot of time and energy gearing herself up to do this, and she likely isn't going to chuck it all and come running back home after a month.
But, that being said.......if there is any chance that this marriage can be saved by a mutual desire to start over, then I won't tell you to give up.  Just be careful about getting your hopes up...I would proceed as if she has made a permanent choice to leave.....if she is at all like my ex (hey, I get to call her that now !  ), there isn't really any "go back" button installed, and she is just unwilling to take responsibility for being the "leaver". She would likely be relieved to hear you say, "I want a divorce" just so she doesn't have to be the "BadGuy". I think AB said this pretty well above.
All the secrecy and manipulation doesn't bode well for her having any desire, or plans to reconcile....or even really give it a chance.....I hope I'm wrong, but I've just seen this same scenario from the inside....know wut I mean ?

Well, you gave this a month, and she knows the timetable now, so keep doing for you and your kids and let her figure her own damn self out.  It seems to me that you have "uncovered" enough evidence to prove she is......otherwise involved.....so, do yourself a favor, and stop looking....it will only add to your pain and feed those "movies" in your head.

They also told her she needs to tell everyone "it's none of their buisness".  Sounds like a hell of a way to make a marriage work.  Kinda funny how when I go to the councilor, she says it's all my fault.  When the wife goes, they say it's all my fault. I think I see a pattern here.   Hell, now they got me wanting to leave myself! 

In a way, they are right.....yes it is your business, because what she is doing affects you big time.....but the fact is, you can't change this...whatever she is doing, it's about her....and her counseling is about her at this point, not about your marriage.  My wife invited me to see her counselor 1 time, for this very reason.....to convince me that her counseling wasn't about fixing our marriage, it was about fixing her.  And as hard as that was for me to understand at the time, it kind of makes sense now.  The thing is, I kept expecting her counselor to recommend reconciling, but as far as I know...she didn't....or if she did, my ex wasn't interested in doing that....so it felt like the counselor was part of the problem for not trying to "get us back together". But, I think my ex convinced her that reconciling wasn't in her best interest, and what I wanted was irrelevant.  So, I guess the point is, don't see her counselor as an ally....he/she is only interested in helping your wife, not your marriage.  Sucks, but there it is.

Question, though....is Your counselor really telling you that this is all your fault ?  Do You think this is all your fault ?  I damn sure hope not.

Hang in there, Brother......

[Wolfy]

I hate to say it, but I agree with Sluggo. Why even entertain the thought of who she's calling. Yes you have a right to it but after the divorce you wont. You may as well continue to give her her privacy, but you should also start having your privacy too.

[slugbait]

I hate to say it, but I agree with Sluggo.

Why do you hate to say it ??  You should always agree with me ! 

[Wolfy]

I hate to say it, but I agree with Sluggo.

Why do you hate to say it ??  You should always agree with me ! 

Now you sound like my ex!  <duck>

[merlinmech]

  I was kinda hoping to hear your opinion sluggo.  I kinda figured it out already.  Seems like I'm the always the last one to know.  The more I read here, the dumber I feel.  I gave her my word on the month thing, so that's what it's going to be.  But I WILL be ready to file right after that.  That's what I'm going to do this next month.  Supposed to stay busy, right?  Btw, the councilor she just saw, is the one I'm going to see next monday.  Why are there no male councilors??  Sounds like something for Hoss to check on.  Then, next thursday I see my regular coucilor.  Any ideas on what I should bring up?  They won't tell me anything she said, because she would'nt sign the release. Not my buisness.
   I would still like to go in there armed (Figuratively speaking).  

so it felt like the counselor was part of the problem for not trying to "get us back together".

 Got the exact same feeling here.  All three of them.  I am making a list (good idea AB) for the session next month with all of us together.  
  Thanx again everyone.  I know I'm not doing what I should be with your advice, or, maybe not fast enough.  You don't know how many times I've read and reread what you've said.  Will keep you posted.. Merlin

[Someday]

I know I'm not doing what I should be with your advice, or, maybe not fast enough.

You are doing what YOU are...at exactly the pace YOU need. Don't get caught up in the should's.

Advice on the marriage is tough...what to do/what not to do...try/don't try, etc...no one can live in your shoes but you.

With that said....advice on the financial part is pretty easy. There is a thread active today about a credit card that was joint with a zero balance that the stbx transferred a balance to and added additional charges..now that person is responsible for half.

If your marriage survives or not....right now protect yourself and your kids. Get a credit report...contact ALL of your credit cards and take her OFF or take yourself off.

You might mess with my heart and mind...but don't f**k with my money!!

[new chapter]

You might mess with my heart and mind...but don't f**k with my money!!

But you know there's truth in that...I am so grateful that throughout our marriage the stbx and I never shared a credit card account. He has his and I have mine. I always thought it was important to maintain my own credit rating apart from his. Given I have over the years contributed more financially to this marriage....at this point....damn straight don't f**k with my money!