Adoption and Child Support

[Wolfy]

Your right. I haven't been through it so I don't completely understand it, but I would think that the more you can stop being the victim the less chance you have of attracting a victimizer. Changing things in yourself, like self confidence and independence would help accomplish this.

[Couttexca]

I think you're right.   Self-confidence, or self-worth has always been lacking with me, maybe that is the major thing to start with. 

Thanks wolfy 

[Couttexca]

She's pregnant.  It's possible they will have twins, her husband is going for an annulment so they will probably be married very shortly.   

[new chapter]

Oh Ctex honey, I"m so sorry, one thing after another...how could he be so stupid? You are so much better off without him.

Wolfy gave you some great advice - so glad he was there for you...(((((HUGS))))))

[Couttexca]

The saddest part is it wasn't even an accident.  They wanted it to happen.  He can't even pay me, he can't pay back his dad, yet he is adding 1 maybe 2 more children to this life of his.  He was telling me that he will not be holding to our payment agreement, because of the baby(s).  What he fails to realize is that once their married, even if they have custody of the other 2 and have 2 more, his CS payments would most likely be equal or greater than our agreement.  But whatever, I gave him his chance.  At this point, My only concern is losing it to the county for being on assistance.  That and the fact that if I want to speak to a lawyer, I will have to find my way to Vallejo, which is a long way from here.  I'm not even sure I can get there.  Oh Joy.

[allbusiness]

I am so, so sorry!

Do you have any kind of written agreement for paying back the money he borrowed? That can be put in the divorce decree, if it comes to that. Granted, it isn't a guarantee you will get anything (the x here hasn't paid half of what he agreed to in the decree), but at least you have the first step legally signed off by a judge.

You need to get something in writing (CS, SS, division of assets and liabilities, custody) NOW. It has been known to happen - don't know how often - that the wayward spouse would get custody because they actually get married (which he could anyday, right...were you legally married? Stories sometimes blend together in my head...) and have a "family" situation. Some courts will mistakenly think that to be the better situation...which you know isn't the case, but they don't.

Also, first to claim child support normally gets the better deal. Not necessarily fair when the first to claim child support is from an adulterous relationship, huh?

Protect yourself and your children...ASAP. He seems to be playing the game of doing everything and anything to try to leave you with next to nothing...except for your good character.

(((((HUGS)))))

[Couttexca]

I will be calling for legal advice (the office closer to me only does paperwork assistance, not legal help/pro bono work, hence Vallejo) and hopefully get appt. to talk to a lawyer on Monday.  MIL has offered to take me, FIL will watch the kids if needed.  They have told me the same thing, that if I have any hope of saving my rights and the boys' rights I have to act ASAP.  I have to admit though, I'm fracking scared. 

As far as the money he owes, both lent and money he took from the account.  (yes I have my own account but his checks go to the joint) the only paper I have is emails going back and forth about it.  I didn't know about it until after the fact.  I am concerned about the whole custody thing, but with them having a baby on the way and her already trying to regain custody of her own two, I  don't think they would pursue that.  But, you never know, hence the reason I'm scared.

[Aim]

With my stbx/ex it was one thing after another as well.

What I learned is that the initial shock (and extreme emotions) would subside within 24 hours (I would remind myself of this) I had supportive friends, coworkers and HEO that helped me through.

Walking was my antidepressant- After my walk I could handle anything!  If I didn't get a walk in - I was an emotional wreck!

My kids were in 3rd and 6th grade (ex got remarried the day after my 6th graders graduation)  it was a rough time!

Kids go through the same stages we do- and I let them know it was ok to be sad and angry and reminded them that *we* would be OK.

It's many years later and my kids and I are doing well!

[Couttexca]

that roller coaster is a pain.  I was doing really, really, well this past week until I got the news of the pregnancy.  I kinda fell apart again after that, but I'm coming out of it.  My kids told me that OW girls' do not know because they will they the grandmother who has custody of them.  Now I'm freaking out because I don't know what he has in store for me.  He has plenty of people to say what a great guy he is.  Having been a at home mom for the length of our relationship, I don't.  He has a way of twisting things that actually happen into whatever story he wants to pass.  He is very, very good at it.

I don't want to lose my kids.  I know he would take them just to hurt me.  He knows no limits when it comes to getting what he wants.  He doesn't have the kids interests at heart, only hurting me.  But he would make himself appear like Jesus himself if it means winning. 

[Aim]

Do you have any idea why the grandmother has custody?

[Couttexca]

I don't remember all of it, but there were accusations of the kids not being cared for properly and a question of drugs, however if I remember the drugs accusation was based on the man she was with (the guy she married-he went to the grandmother with his thoughts of what was going on, but I know he doesn't know the truth of it).  He only thought she was having an affair, he wasn't aware that they are living together or that she is pregnant.   My x had bragged about how stupid he thought the man was.  I don't know if the grandmother knows that they live together, originally that was a secret but I don't see how it still could be, if she does, I'm sure my x has her convinced of his greatness.  I do know they are keeping the pregnancy secret from her, my x told my kids. 

I only know of a few people that saw through my x's crap, most lost their job over it, the one other has half the staff against him now.  All I can do at this point is hope that he screws up this game somehow, I've only seen that happen once.  He's had many, many years to improve and correct those mistakes..

[Couttexca]

If any one hasn't guessed..the fear of what he would do is one of the main reasons I never left him in the last years.  Now it's happening on HIS terms, I feel even more trapped then I did before...

Now you may understand why I said I made a bad choice on who to spend my life with...you may not see them, but these chains are very, very real.

[TC]

If any one hasn't guessed..the fear of what he would do is one of the main reasons I never left him in the last years.  Now it's happening on HIS terms, I feel even more trapped then I did before...

Now you may understand why I said I made a bad choice on who to spend my life with...you may not see them, but these chains are very, very real.

Ok Kotex....put on your big girl panties cuz I ain't pulling punches.

Its time you get your head out of your ass and quit playing his game by his rules.  He has you convinced you are a victim.  If you act like a victim, you will be a victim....pure and simple.

First thing you need to do is to actually go get an attorney...don't just talk about it, DO IT!

Yes, I know there are people out there that can convince just about everyone that the moon is made of swiss chees and Mars is a big fucking strawberry.  I was married to one of them.  She was about as good as they get.  But, their tricks and games only work as long as people play by their rules.  I've already told you that unless you have physically abused your children (and there is documented proof) or you are so fucking strung out on drugs that you can't take care of them, there is little chance of him getting full custody.  He made sure of that the day he walked out and left them with you.

As for his character witnesses, we can all find people who will speak kindly on our behalf...even ornary old cusses like Hoss and I.  The courts don't give a rat's ass. 

The courts, the legal system, and the social services systems don't play by his rules...they won't.  His line of bullshit will mean little to them.  They have seen it all before.

So, it comes down to you having two choices.  GET an attorney and start fighting for your rights and for the rights of your children...

or..

you can continue to be a victim.  He has you trained well.....and only you can break that trend.

I hope you do...so do the other people here.

Now do it.....please.

<hugs>

TC

[Couttexca]

Thanks TC,

I haven't been just talking about it though, I've been running everyday..I didn't find an office that could help me until late friday.  Hence the reason I say I'm calling tomorrow.  Yes I put it off in the beginning but I really have been running this last couple weeks trying to get all my ducks in a row.  Just because I'm freaking out doesn't mean I'm not fighting. 

I really appreciate your input, and I'm real sure your right, but I know from experience that good acting wins.  I've been on the wrong end of it legally many many times.  Just not with him.  Hence my fear.  I'm not sure why you say I have my head in my ass, it may be true, but it's trying not to play by his rules that is causing all the drama.  It  angers him to no end, It is his attempt of scaring me back into it, or making me pay for not following it.   I've just been trying to find out how to keep from drowning myself.  Sorry.

[TC]

I used the term get your head out of your ass because you, (in my opinion) have been and continue to operate out of fear and in accordance with his rules...which is exactly what he wants.  So long as you do that, he wins...and he will every time.  You should know better than anyone, playing by his rules gets you no where....he has all the control. 

I say its time to stop playing by his rules and take control of your own life.  Yes, you have a shit sandwich to eat.  No getting around that.  You DO have a mess on your hands.  BUT, he isn't going to fix it for you.  It is rather obvious he really doesn't give a shit about you or the situation you are in.  So, as I said before, you can continue to hide your head up your ass and be a victim, or you can hold your head up, like the good mother you are, and take control.

Ann Marie is excellent at finding resources for ladies in your situation.  I strongly recommend you converse with her.  It is amazing what she can come up with.

You are not alone in this....there is help available....but you got to make your own rules to win.  you can't play this game on his terms and have any chance of a future.

TC