Adoption and Child Support

[Couttexca]

Just found out from my oldest that his dad is planning on adopting OW's twin girls.   Anyone know how that might affect CS or other rights of my kids?  Ugh...OMG.

[new chapter]

Just found out from my oldest that his dad is planning on adopting OW's twin girls.   Anyone know how that might affect CS or other rights of my kids?  Ugh...OMG.

OMG is right....excuse me but he's an absolute idiot! He can't even support the children he has and shows little to no responsbility to them and now he's taking on 2 more children??
I wish I knew the law around this maybe someone else can help here but IMHO he shouldn't be able to adopt children that he cannot support financially.

(((((HUGS))))))

[chill]

maybe the "real" dad, won't agree to it.........and the man is really stupid.

[Couttexca]

Everytime I think this pile has stopped growing he throws something else into it.  I'm tired of this ride...let me off.    

I don't think the real dad is in the picture.  She had them prior to this marriage she is ending to be with my x.   If I remember correctly at one point (a couple months prior to our breakup-when OW got married) her husband was planning the same thing.  Holy...it just hit me, what her game is, X really is an idiot, I thought he was playing her, but it may be her that played him.     They are pulling a lot of crap, even them living together is a secret at the moment.  They obviously have a plan.

[m_t]

Well... he's not going to be able to adopt them until (a) they're married and (b) they've been married for at least a year. The court tries to avoid the "musical parent" game.

That said, some states will take additional children from another relationship into account when calculating CS. However, the difference in the numbers is much less than most people think it will be.

[Couttexca]

Thanks all, If it had been years I would expect it but...It irritates me that he put so little effort with his own kids when he was still here, yet now he is making this point to be 'such a great dad' in front of OW (from what I've heard), with her kids, and his if they are around her, he doesn't give them the same attention when he has been visiting them alone.  He doesn't call them or anything.  It seems like he is more focused on being a dad to her kids than his own.  It's not fair to these boys, they need a father, not a buddy.  What kind of role model throws their own kids on the back burner?

Thanks for the feedback m_t it makes me feel a little better. 

They have been hiding from everyone and obviously planning something (they are hiding from both their families, exes, work, everyone except their inner circle), I'm just scared to death what it'll mean for the kids and I.  He acts/talks like he thinks he has no obligations on this end anymore when it comes to the boys, he has always treated me like I'm some one-woman show, but now it's like he thinks he no longer has to fulfill the obligations of the parent.  It's like these kids cease to exist outside of those few hours he spends with them.  This is another reason I shut down with him and felt like he was no more than a roommate, his lack of involvement with any of us, but especially the kids. 

How am I supposed to help the boys in these crucial years (especially the teen) get through?  My oldest is at the point of being able to shave and all the other stuff that teen boys go through, I can't help but think it must hurt to have to talk about that stuff with mom instead of dad.  It shouldn't have to be that way when dad is still in the picture (if you can call it that).

Any guys grow up without dad around? Any advice on what mom could do to make it a little less painful for boys?

[Wolfy]

You can't control what he does. Let me repeat, You can't control what he does. You can however be the great mom you are. Let go of what he does, and be there for your kids. Let them know you care. Chances are they will seek out friends who's parents are divorced and get feedback from them. It will be ok.

[Stephy]

Yup, this is your life now, Kotex (  ) and you will be fine.  Easier said then done, but do it.  Hugs!

[Couttexca]

You guys are right, in a way, this was my life even before he left.  My kids say that he pays more attention to them on those saturdays then he ever did at home, so even if the motivation is slightly selfish at least the kids are happy.  Sounds like I should just keep going the way I always have.  I will work on letting go of his actions though. 

I've always been frustrated with his lack of involvement with the kids, that won't change now, however, I can't make him be a father now anymore than I could then.  It is what it is.  I'm lucky in that because of the way things were, the kids and I have a close relationship.  Other than the lack of his physical presence, not much else has changed on this end.  Well, there's more talking, and more time together.  Dad used to kick them out of the room whenever they were 'hanging out' with mom, and conversations were usually left for when he was at work cause all the talking annoyed him.  So the one thing he was jealous of (my closeness with the boys, hell, he was even jealous of the dog! Yes, believe it or not.) is the one thing he inadvertently improved.  Although, I gotta give him the dog one, the dog switched loyalties somewhere in the last years ( it was HIS dog, from a previous separation.)

I just get upset with it sometimes, obviously you know this from my previous post.  I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for it at times, I made a bad choice in who to spend my life with, and these kids have to pay for some of those choices. 

I gotta say though, it is mighty peaceful here now. 

[new chapter]

I've always been frustrated with his lack of involvement with the kids, that won't change now, however, I can't make him be a father now anymore than I could then.  It is what it is.  I'm lucky in that because of the way things were, the kids and I have a close relationship.   Other than the lack of his physical presence, not much else has changed on this end.  I gotta say though, it is mighty peaceful here now. 

Ctex...I can totally relate to those statements. I was a single parent long before this divorce started. I have no doubt that my stbx loves his girls dearly and in many ways when they were very little he was a great dad but as they've gotten older he's grown more and more distant and disengaged. Also he can't be counted on (has forgotten to pick up kids, won't committ to a schedule etc.) so as a consequence I have just learned to plan around him. Actually it's a lot easier now because before I'd try to get him involved and that caused a lot of tension and disappointment in our home.

Things are much happier here and it feels like we can breathe again...always used to have to walk on egg shells around him. But I've accepted that's who he is and though it's tough on the girls at times they also have less and less illusions of who he is. I used to try to build him up and help him with his relationship with the girls but no more...he's not my husband anymore. As they get older I need to step back and let the girls sort out their relationship with him too. In the meantime I have a strong and solid foundation with them  and for them.

You're not alone in your feeling Ctex...tough stuff but as you say it is what it is.

[Couttexca]

always used to have to walk on egg shells around him

I've used that line so many times over the years, I got the upgrade to 'broken glass'.   

[Wolfy]

I just get upset with it sometimes, obviously you know this from my previous post.  I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for it at times, I made a bad choice in who to spend my life with, and these kids have to pay for some of those choices. 

WAIT A MINUTE!  What was your bad choice? Was your husband a terrible man when you married him? Did he do things that you should have known better? I bet not. I bet he was a great guy when you got married. Are you trying to tell me he was a bad guy but you decided to marry him even though you knew that? I believe most of us make some wrong decisions after we get married but don't take blame for things that aren't your fault...and fix the problems that are yours.

[Couttexca]

Yeah, he treated me really good when we first met.  But, there were events very early on, that sent up red flags.  Even my friends saw in him what I didn't.There were a lot of things he did to me over the course of our relationship (some really bad) that should of been enough for me to walk away.  There was one point during my first pregnancy (I was 19) that the only reason I stayed was because I would have been on the streets in a place I didn't know and I was afraid that I would lose my baby.  It was never the same after that.  I still always loved him, and I think him me, but it became codependent and toxic.   I take responsibility for my choices.   just believe me when I say..I knew enough.  I remember exactly where I was when that warning bell went off in my head and you know what?  I made a decision to ignore it, I actually put thought into it.  That was my choice, we had a lot of good times but at too high a cost.  I am glad for my children though, they are the one thing that makes me glad I did make that choice.  I couldn't imagine life without them.

The sad thing is watching it start over again.  I only had a hunch, the new girl has a flashing neon sign, she knows it all and is still making the same choice I did.   But, it's her lesson now.  Mine is to figure out why I made the choices I did, why I made the mistakes I did (I was just as much a player in our toxicity as he was) and how I will use it to make a better future for my kids and myself. 

 

[Wolfy]

The sad thing is watching it start over again.  I only had a hunch, the new girl has a flashing neon sign, she knows it all and is still making the same choice I did.   But, it's her lesson now.  Mine is to figure out why I made the choices I did, why I made the mistakes I did (I was just as much a player in our toxicity as he was) and how I will use it to make a better future for my kids and myself.

Now here I agree with you 100%. the past is in the past. There is only one reason to look back at it and it is not to feel sorry for ourselves. Instead, learn from it. Move forward and make the best life for you and your kids possible. that is the thing to do.

[Couttexca]

That is what I'm attempting to do, that is where the confusion sets in..In trying to figure out how to not attract that type of personality.  My x and I had a conversation about this once, oddly enough, about how a victimizer can literally pick out a victim.  There is a dynamic there that almost subliminally draws those two personalities together.  (and yes we were referring to ourselves) 

It is in trying to find that part of myself that I need to work on, that I'm lost with.  I thought I had figured all that out when I hooked up with him, obviously I didn't.   I'm fearful that I will inadvertently repeat it again.   I came to acceptance and all that of my prior troubles, but somehow I made the choice to repeat it.   I'm worried I won't recognize it for what it is, if it crosses my path again. 

I know this is hard to understand, it is the unusual cycle of abusers/abused.  No one can really understand it unless they've been in the cycle.  I'm just trying to figure out how to stop that cycle before it happens again.