"Reasonable" Phone Calls & Federal Drug Charges

[merlin775]

When one parent has standard visitation in Madison County (every other weekend Friday at 6 pm until 8 am the following Monday morning) and every Wed night overnight, what is considered "reasonable" telephone access for them?

After a custody modification resulting from Mom abusing and selling drugs, she now has standard visitation (instead of 50/50 one week at a time) and insists on calling EVERY SINGLE night when son is not with her.  I can count on one hand the times she called before the modifcation.

Do I have to answer when she calls?  My attorney has spoken to her attorney about her incessant phone calls; however, they have not stopped! 

What is considered "reasonable?"  One evening she called my home phone.  Hung up without leaving a message.  Called my cell - no message.  Called the home phone again.  Hung up.  Called the home phone again - this time left a message.  And then called my cell phone 2 more times - and never left a message.  All one call right after the other.  Son was in my custody at the time so I knew nothing was wrong with him.

It gets irritating when I am trying to spend some quality time with my son and she calls and interrupts.  I know he misses her but he sees her way more often than I would like considering her recent drug issues.

Anyone know anything about drug charges?  Mom's house was raided in Feb 08.  She and her husband turned in the name of their dealer and are working with the cops.  From what I understand, more than 2 pounds of marijuana is trafficking.  If she does not get convicted by teh state, what with the Feds do when the information is turned over to them.

[TC]

I personally would consider her actions very Unreasonable, especially in light of the visitation arrangements she has.  Others will probably disagree, but I am of the mind that in a situation like this, when your child is with you, she shouldn't be calling at all, and vice versa when your child is with her....the exception being if the child wants to initiate contact.

As for the drug bust issue...if the only thing that was found was Pot...I doubt there will be very severe consequences....Worst case will be the distribution charge....I doubt the Feds will have much interest.  Even if they do, it probably won't have much effect on the courts with regard to further restrictions to the existing visitation plan.

What does your attorney say is reasonable telephone contact?

TC

[merlin775]

There hasn't been a specified amount of calls that are considered reasonable.  She just said she's talk to mom's attorney.

As far as the drugs go, STAT team entered mom's house and confiscated 4 pounds of marijuana, parapernalia and 9000 cash.  I was under the impression taht any amount over 2.2 pounds is considered trafficking and there is a minimum 3 year sentence.  Since she and her husband worked with the state and turned over a bigger fish, they have not had to serve any jail time.  However, because it is considered trafficking (federally) does the state not have to turn over their evidence to the federal drug folks?

Thanks - nice to know someone out there agrees with me regarding teh phone calls.

[TC]

I'm no expert in the trafficking issue or even close, so anything I post on that is simply speculation.

As for reasonable/unreasonable...your attorney should be able to tell you what the court would see as reasonable in a situation like this.

TC

[NoLongerLost]

"Reasonable" would depend on WHY the calls are being made. If it's to check on the day, ask about school, say "I love you," what parent should NOT be allowed to talk to their child for 5 minutes every day? I divorced my daughter's dad when she was five, and she never missed a day of him calling, or vice versa, every morning at 6:30 while she had breakfast and every night at 8:30 before she went to bed, watched tv, whatever. I think the daily contact with her dad, knowing that I was not getting her caught in the middle of wanting a relationship with her dad, helped make her the happy, successful, kind young woman she is today.

Really, what is 10-15 minutes a day taking away from your "quality time" every night for the remaining 4-5 hours? I would dictate a set time so they can learn to bond and remain close. It's sooooo important not to let your relationship, hatred, etc. towards your ex be passed on to the children. I cannot imagine being a parent and someone dictating to me when I could talk to my own child unless I was a danger to that child. I think at times people in divorce treat the children too much like property instead of reminding themselves by putting personal feelings aside, this person is still the person that is the parent of your child, and you cared enough about them at one time to have that child

Again, I think setting a specific time might work. Try it for a couple weeks and see what happens. Good Luck.

[TC]

Obviously NoLonger, you have never had the problem of the other parent calling and trying to talk for hours, or making the children feel guilty because they are having fun with dad, or making a point to call right in the middle of a period when she knew you and the children had special plans.

You are right, if both parents are adult and the one not with the children wants to call at a designated time and speak for 5 or 10 min in a positive manner about the day there is nothing wrong with that....but not all parents are adults and no matter how hard some try, they just can't get their ex to grow the fuck up.

TC

[m_t]

Except Merlin has not said that she talks for hours. He's annoyed simply that she calls daily. Frankly, many courts would feel that daily contact would be a positive for the child - and would (at a minimum) chide Dad for not answering the phone. Fact is - he has the child all but 6 days/nights a month. So she is hardly interfering with his "precious" and limited time with the kid.

Considering how many NCPs don't have a great deal of interaction with their kids, Dad should be counting his blessings that Mom is making that effort. BOTH parents are important in a child's life. And, as the CP, it IS his job to facilitate a relationship between them. That kinda means picking up the phone (or allowing the child to) when Mom calls. And, depending on the child's age (I'm going to go back through OP's posts to see if he mentions it), more frequent contact is important.

[TC]

MT, if you read my last post, you will see that we are not in disagreement. 

And yes, I am going on gut with regard to OP's situation.  But, I'm willing to bet I'm closer to right than wrong.

As for the it being the CP's responsibility to facilitate a relationship with the NCP...not sure I would go that far...though I will agree it is the CP's responsibility to NOT hinder a parent/child relationship.  Responsibility for the actual parent/child relatiionship is between the parent and child.

TC

[m_t]

Actually, one of the criteria used now (I won't say when you were going through it, as times wre different) when determining custody is which parent is more likely to *facilitate* a relationship between the child and the other parent. And not doing so CAN result in a change of custody.

[TC]

Well, times DO change and I admit my own experiences were some time ago......my youngest turns 22 next month.

[InDenial]

You admit your son misses his mother, so isn't that a good reason to let him talk to her more often?   

That's great that you have quality time with your son every evening, but don't you also have some chores you need to do?  For example, what if your son talked to his mother while you are making dinner?

[Sue-Bee]

Honestly....I don't see a problem with a short (15 min or less) phone call each night. In fact I would recommend it.

[merlin775]

Okay.  My son just turned 7 years old.  I do not have a problem with his mother calling him.  In fact, I have often asked him if he WANTS to call her.  My problem is that mom seems to do this when she wants to look good to someone else. 

For instance, once I started modification proceedings and once she consulted an attorney, she began calling.  Mind you, for the first 3 years we were divorced and during our 1 week on/1 week off (which then went to 2 weeks on/2 weeks off) she RARELY called and I do mean RARELY.  She did not call daily to ask how his day was, etc.  This everyday calling only began when I started the modification proceedings.

Once things quieted down with the modification proceedings, the calls became fewer and fewer.  She recently changed attorneys and received my discovery paperwork which included documents that I belived cast her in a negative light.  (I began keeping records of how often son spent with night with babysitter on mom's night, how often mom would cut her week (or 2) short and bring him home, etc.)  I have a feeling she read the pages and pages and began to feel bad about herself and has started pretending to be "mother of the year" again.  She goes through spells like this where she attempts to be a good mother, cleans herself up, etc. then reverts to not calling, behaving badly, pawning son off on other people, etc.

I am concerned for my son.  What happens when these calls falter again?  I have repeatedly asked her to set up a time to call him so that I can make sure he is available and we are not in the middle of dinner or getting ready to end the evening (showers, etc).  She has never agreed to this.  I choose not to call when my son is with her.  I want him to have quality time with his mother and I have explained this to him.  I RESPECT their time together.

[merlin775]

I only want to limit the damage mom can cause to my son.

This is the same woman who was selling drugs from her home and inviting drug users, dealers into her house with my child there.  This is the same woman who turned her dealer over and told me that she was going into Witness Protection (bold faced lie) and then in the next breath told me my son was never in any danger.  Do I have issues with this?  You bet your behind I do.  So, yes, I want to limit the damage my ex wife can cause my son.

No, I do not want him to get used to her calls everyday.  I will be the one to witness the hurt she causes him when she reverts to her old self.  Is it not my responsibility as a parent to protect my child? 

In an attempt to be amicable, I allowed her standard visitation.  She still has joint legal.  I have sole physical.  Do I think a person who sells drug from their home should be allowed to make legal decisions concerning their child?  Nope, I certainly do not.  But I have given her the benefit of the doubt (for about the 5th time) and allowed her to continue her relationship with our child because I want my son to know his mother.  I could have nailed her ass to the wall, but I did not.  I know she loves my son and I know that she misses him.  But she has made her bed.

Thank you to everyone for your honest opinions.  It's nice to know there are folks out there willing to respond to a stranger's questions.

[Sue-Bee]

Well you know better than anyone else the situation. It's a shame that she uses the situation to call her son. I hope for his sake that she doesn't drop contact....and that she straightens up.