Unsubstantiated abuse

[allemyne]

My stepmother (the epitomy of a wicked stepmother!) has called the police twice in the past 6 months accusing my Dad of attacking her.  The first time, he was trying to walk away from her and she grabbed his arm (leaving deep cuts - he pays for her to have her nails done every week)  He pushed her away, and she called the police.  They told her they saw no signs where she had been abused, bur could plainly see marks on him . . . .  Last week, they got into it over (I love this) whether or not rats had nibbled on the bread.  She said they had, he pointed out there were no holes in the wrapper, she threw the loaf at him, then picked up a grocery bag she hadn't emptied from two days before and threw it at him, striking him in the head (luckily it only had - get this - a loaf of bread!)  Once again, he tried to push her out of his way, and she called the police.  They came out, same story - they could see the mark where she had thrown the stuff at him, but saw nothing to substantiate her claims.  Now, I'll grant you, my Dad is stronger than most 80 year olds and if he wanted to do damage, he probably could, but he's just trying to get her to leave him alone.  They have not slept in the same room for 15 years that I know of, live pretty much in separate parts of the home, and have very little interaction.  He pays the bills . . . she doesn't work.

My question is - since it seems they are headed for a divorce (fianlly) - is she trying to lay groundwork for abuse and what should we do to stop this?

[TC]

It is going to be very difficult for her to prove abuse without documention supporting the allegations.  Were I you, I would advise him to get copies of the police reports showing there was no evidence of abuse and keep them handy should they be needed in the future.

TC

[allemyne]

Thanks, that's what I was thinking.  She's really kind of a nutcase, always has been . . . but she hooked onto my Dad right after my mother died and had him down the altar before any of us had realized it!

The officer the other day told them they needed to just stay apart from eachother for a while - I told Dad he should have said he agreed - and she owns a house she can go live in!

If we don;t get totally snowed in tomorrow (they are predicting a whole inch and schools are closing everywhere around here for the next two days  !) I'l get him to go by tomorrow and get them!

[Wolfy]

An inch and they are closing schools for 2 days?! We got a foot and they didn't close anything.   

[allemyne]

Well, actually it's only for one day, but they have already said it may be for two.  Some of the areas north of us (like, an hour away) have closed until Monday already

Somebody said the "s" word in the south!

[pelfforme]

Something else you might want to consider:  Could the early stages of dementia might be to blame for her behavior?

[allemyne]

Actually, I did mention that to Dad.  Question is, how to deal with that possibility?

[TC]

You put the individual into an assisted living facility/Nursing home.  Just went through it with my wife's GrandDaddy.

TC

[allemyne]

Her kids would never agree to that!  They like things the way they are.  Dad owned a very nice house before they ever got together, he is retired military so she has good insurance, and all her living expenses are taken care of.  One of her sons shows up the first few days of the month until he gets her SS check then disappears; the other has two incomes coming into his house, but won't get his bathtub fixed (he weighs over 400 lbs and cracked it) because they spend all the $ on dining out and fancy clothes. They came down to Dad's to take showers.  All in all, a pretty good deal for them (and when their electricity or gas is shut off, they move in with Dad until they can afford to pay the bill)

[TC]

If your dad is married to this woman, the kids don't have a say...he is next of kin.

If they don't like it, he can tell them they can take care of her.

TC

[allemyne]

I've told dad the same thing.  We've got some major decisions to make the next few weeks anyway - he's thinking of closing his shop (yes, at 80 he still works every day! - he and my mother opened the shop 30 years ago and it's his refuge!), and that's going to involve some paperwork!  Guess this will be one more.  Thanks for the advice!

[m_t]

You put the individual into an assisted living facility/Nursing home.  Just went through it with my wife's GrandDaddy.

TC

Don't forget she would have tp be declared incompetent first.

[TC]

You put the individual into an assisted living facility/Nursing home.  Just went through it with my wife's GrandDaddy.

TC

Don't forget she would have tp be declared incompetent first.

Not necessarily....we just put D's GrandDaddy into an assisted living facility....he was not declared incompetent.  He wasn't even overly happy about going at first.  But, he had been in a Rehab facility for three months and the experts at the facility determined he was not able to live on his own...not once did they use the words incompetent though.

Go talk to the facilities if this is of interest to you.  They will tell you what it takes to get someone into one.

TC