He tells me that he never should have married me, he was not ready for another relationship just after he divorces he first wife.... he said she was abusive to him and he is messed up due to that marrage... But ! if he was not ready for our relationship, how can he start another, when ours has not ended (divorced)
You're right. He probably isn't ready for any relationship - he is broken and looking to others for the fix. He is blindly taking all of his problems with him.
What you can do now if focus on YOU. I'm sure your self esteem is in the tank (what has she got that I haven't?), what did I do wrong? and your emotions are rollercoasting every second.
I've copied an article for you.... sorry it is so long. But I hope it helps.
10 Tips to Get You Through a Breakup
Date updated: May 10, 2007
By Donna Engelgau
Content provided by Revolution Health Group
Breaking up is hard to do, but it's also a part of life. So is there a good way to do it?
Yes, says Sudha Prathikanti, M.D., a psychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco's Osher Center for Integrative Medicine.
Prathikanti combines conventional mental health care with ayurveda (a form of holistic alternative medicine from India), yoga, herbs and other integrated approaches to help people manage grief stemming from breakups and the loss of loved ones. Here are her 10 tips for jump-starting the post-breakup healing process.
Give yourself time to grieveDon't be afraid of whatever feelings come up during a breakup, whether it's sadness, fear or anger. Let your feelings surface and accept them.
"It's important to understand that breaking up can bring a kind of immediate grief that can overwhelm you. You need to accept your feelings and create time to grieve. There's no way to circumvent these feelings," Prathikanti says.
"There's a certain time we all need to process grief. For some people it's shorter; for others, it's longer. You'll know the grieving period is over when you're able to look outward more easily instead of being preoccupied with your own thoughts."
Write it outKeep a journal, and write an entry each evening. Prathikanti encourages her patients to write whatever they want about their exes.
"The act of writing gives you the freedom and the space to say whatever you want," she says. "Say everything you have to say. Then store your journal in a special box, or burn or bury the box.
"Do not send your journal to your ex! This is a symbolic release of letting go of that person. If you're not quite ready to release this person from your life, simply store the box and let go of it in some fashion when you're ready."
Clean it upClean your house, your desk, your car or even a small area of your home or office. Clutter creates "emotional stickiness," Prathikanti says.
"There's something about the external act of cleaning that allows for an internal cleansing, too. It's really amazing how it can help clear away the memories associated with the relationship. It's the idea of putting away all of the tangible reminders of your relationship ? pictures, books, etc. ? that really helps you feel you can clear away your connections with that person."
Get physicalEven though you might not feel like going to the gym, this is the time to do it. "Aerobic exercise is one of the first things I encourage, but it's got to be dedicated output," Prathikanti says.
"It can have huge benefits as a mood lifter. Recent studies show that if you exercise at moderate intensity (reaching 60 to 70 percent of your maximum heart rate) five times a week, 30 minutes each time, it's as effective as an antidepressant ? but you have to be consistent about it," she adds. "When you can get past that initial hurdle, you'll feel good because your body releases serotonin, which can be very mood-enhancing."
Spend time with friends and by yourselfWhether you're an introvert or an extrovert, Prathikanti says it's important to adopt personality traits from both types.
"Extroverts can talk on and on about their breakup. And in the process they can release feelings and gain new perspective, but they need to create a space for themselves to be on their own and reflect quietly," says Prathikanti.
Conversely, if you're an introvert, it's important not to hole up. "You need to recuperate and replenish your energy through solitude. But you also have to schedule some time that will put you in touch with others ? whether it's dinner with your best friend or going to a church or community gathering instead of keeping to yourself," she says.
Nurture yourselfTouch is a key way to nurture yourself. "It's so important. I recommend people get massages or trade a back rub or foot rub with a friend in a nonsexual way," Prathikanti says. Self-massage helps, too.
"There's something very comforting about touch. We're almost hardwired to need touch, which releases endorphins and neurotransmitters like serotonin, all of which help to make you feel better physically and emotionally," she says.
Eat healthful foodsFoods rich in omega-3 fatty acids like cold-water wild fish, flaxseed and walnuts might help improve your mood. Green leafy vegetables provide folic acid and other B vitamins that seem to help prevent depression. But it can be hard to get all the nutrients you need through diet alone, so Prathikanti recommends that you also take supplements, including a broad-spectrum B vitamin pill that contains folic acid and thiamine (vitamin B1).
Look for an omega-3 fatty acid supplement that has a 2-to-1 ratio of EPA to DHA. EPA is a type of omega-3 associated with improved mood; DHA can help with cardiac health.
Maintain structureDon't allow your breakup to envelop your life to the point that you lose your moorings, Prathikanti says. Stick to routine ? and pursue your interests. That's one of the surest ways to help get over a breakup and meet people with whom you share common interests.
Believe in yourself and your own self-worthIdentify 10 good qualities about yourself, write them down on sticky notes and place them around the house where you're likely to see them during the day. Even if you don't read them, giving yourself subliminal messages can have a powerful effect, Prathikanti says.
Be gratefulMake a "gratitude" list toward the end of your grieving period. Write down all of the things that are still good in your life despite your loss. "It's critical to recognize that there are still things remaining and to remember what those things are because they will help carry you forward," Prathikanti says.
What shouldn't you do to get through a breakup? Prathikanti offers these three tips:
* Don't make any big life decisions like changing jobs or moving to a new house. Your judgment will not be its best right after you break up with someone.
* Don't use alcohol or drugs to help numb your pain. They'll cause you to spiral downward. Alcohol depresses the central nervous system and can lead to increased depression over time.
* Don't jump into a new relationship too quickly. You're more likely to repeat the mistakes that you made in the relationship you just ended. While it's tempting to try to fill the void, it's unwise in the long run because you need time to reflect on why your relationship didn't work and what you can change going forward.
Reviewed by: Val Jones, M.D.
Date reviewed: February 2007
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