Scheduling

[Grace48]

Situation: divorce final in May. Ex had an affair and is married to OW and has 1 year old.  I have a 6 and 2 year old. Dad has no custody, visitation only. He has only gotten them overnight one time since the split two years ago. He has gotten them for the day (his Sat's) 3 times this whole calendar year. He has no other contact except for the occasional phone call.

Problem: My six year old is participating in Upward cheerleading and will have games in Dec and Jan and the first part of Feb. on Sat's. Some are early in the morning and I know he could pick them up after on his Sat's. Some are later, like 12:00 and 1:00. Should I notify him of this so he can work around it if was planning on using visitation, or should I just wait and see what happens? I am wary of saying anything because the one Sat we were out of town on his weekend, I let him know it and he called to get them anyway and made a big deal out of having "took off work" to come get them and we were gone, which is BS. I have been encouraging and told him I would meet him half way since he moves from city to city in a camper (work). Of course, he is welcome to come see her cheer, however we live in a small town and since he walked out on us he is not looked on favorably, so I know he wouldn't do it. He is not the fatherly type and wouldn't do it anyway. Any suggestions on the best way to handle it without causing WW3.

[livealittle]

how have the other 3 Sat's he's gotten the kids been handled?

does he call Fri and arrange?
does he just show up Sat?

a few details here may help people make recommendations

[TC]

What does the Decree say regarding his visitaiton.  Everything will hinge on the language there. 

For instance, the norm is that when the NCP has weekend visitation, they are to pick the child up on Fri evening by a specified time and return on Sun afternoon/eve by a specified time. 

What does your decree say?  He does not have the right to modifiy his visitation to his own liking....should the decree say something to the affect of the above statement, then he abides by the decree in total, which means he picks the child up by the time directed or coordinates ahead of time to make changes.

So, what does your decree say about his visitation?

TC

[Grace48]

Livealittle: When he wants the kids he calls the Monday or Tuesday of that week and tells me when he will get them.

TC: Our decree does say he is to get them Friday by 6 and return them Sunday by 6 on his weekends.

[TC]

Livealittle: When he wants the kids he calls the Monday or Tuesday of that week and tells me when he will get them.

TC: Our decree does say he is to get them Friday by 6 and return them Sunday by 6 on his weekends.

Then YOU NEED to enforce this.  If he doesn't pick them up Fri by 6, he doesn't get them.....period, unless he prior coordinates and you agree of course...same with the return.  And yes, the court will be happy to support you in this.  The court will not force visitation upon him, but it will enforce the agreement laid out in the decree should he decide to exercise visitation.

Along the same lines, if he chooses to exercise his visitation in accordance with the decree, then it becomes HIS responsibility to ensure your daughter makes her scheduled appts for the Cheer thing.....and again, the courts will hold him to that.

Point being, based on what you have said about him, if YOU enforce the terms of the decree, he will probably not want to exercise his visitation...and that is HIS choice....his decision....his responsibility.

TC

[livealittle]

sorry it took so long to get back with you.

what TC said is absolutely correct. If he's supposed to get her by Fri at 6 and return her on Sun by 6, then that's what he needs to do. The decree should say when it starts and you can use the calendar to figure out which weekends are his. You can go ahead and mark all of them on your calendars for years to come. Then, when you sign her up for cheering or whatever, you can give him a copy of the schedule when she starts and it is his responsibility to get her there on his weekends that he has her.

if he chooses to get her and then doesn't take her, yes, she will be disappointed. You, however, cannot make him do anything while he has her and she will have to understand that. May take some time, may take several disappointments

good luck and please let us know how it turns out.

[m_t]

Actually... unless the order states that he forfeits his w/e if he in later than X minutes/hours after the ordered time, the child needs to be available for him to pick up for the duration of his time. Now, this does NOT mean that you have to sit home. But you likely need to let him know where she can be picked up if you choose to go out.

[TC]

Actually... unless the order states that he forfeits his w/e if he in later than X minutes/hours after the ordered time, the child needs to be available for him to pick up for the duration of his time. Now, this does NOT mean that you have to sit home. But you likely need to let him know where she can be picked up if you choose to go out.

mmmmm,....you sure about that?

Regardless, with this guys track record...I don't think it will be a problem and the key is that mom doesn't have to sit around and wait on him to show up.

TC

[m_t]

I'd put it at about 90%.

And yes, the key is that they do NOT have to sit around. Mom & kiddo can go about their business after the p/u time. If Dad decides he wants the kiddo, he'll have to p/u from wherever they are.

[Grace48]

My attorney told me when this first started that if he had not called by Wed to set it up for the weekend, my judge would not entertain his objections to that. The ex's lawyer says the same, as I have friends who have used him too, so I think ex has been told to call by Wed of the week,  as he generally will follow that rule of thumb and call before Wed of the week. In addition, my attorney has told me in past conversation, as TC said, that I should enforce the Frid -Sun time and not entertain special pick up and drop offs, as that only leads to trouble. That being said, I just continued trying to encourage visitation and being agreeable, as I really DON'T want my kids spending the night and I am trying to do what is best for my kids. My son does not know the concept of father, but my 6 year old loves him and wants him to come home and just be a part of her life.

I fired my lawyer after the divorce, as he did not give me any counsel or say about my trial. I was told to shut and and only answer the questions. No pre trial meetings other than that and a lot of things were not cleared up. I clearly told my attorney I wanted stepped up visitation, due to the situation, but that was never entertained. In January I am gong to have to hire another attorney and go back for a money settlement the ex has not paid, as well as a quit claim deed my attorney did not draw up for my house and my ex won't sign anyway. I will have to also get a bill of sale for my truck. I guess I need to have more clear language added to this decree about visitation. I think my decree is the most ambiguous one I have ever seen. There are no specifics on time limits and the like. It is so frustrating.

[Lee Borden]

If you get in a pissing contest with Dad about visitation, I think you should expect Dad to dig in his heels about the kids' activities on his weekends, as he has every right to do. Are you sure you want to do that? If it doesn't bother you to be somewhat flexible with him about when he picks them up and drops them off, I would encourage you to do that. Then you may find that he's somewhat flexible about adapting his plans to cheering and games, etc.

When it's Dad's time with the children, he gets to decide where they go and what they do, period. You can make him the Evil Parent with your children if you want to, but almost no judge I know would tell Dad he has to honor his daughter's cheering commitment on Saturday mornings during his visitation time. It's his decision.

[m_t]

When it's Dad's time with the children, he gets to decide where they go and what they do, period. You can make him the Evil Parent with your children if you want to, but almost no judge I know would tell Dad he has to honor his daughter's cheering commitment on Saturday mornings during his visitation time. It's his decision.

And this would be a bad thing to do, for the kids. I found, when my kids were young like yours, that coaches tended to be flexible and understanding of the situation. If your daughter's particular coach is not, you may need to look at either a different cheer group, or a different activity. I was always matter-of-fact with my two that they would be missing some games, etc as seeing Daddy was more important.

Now, I do understand that, in your situation, Dad hasn't been all that involved or taken much of his ordered time. So I really wouldn't sweat it too much. Although I would make sure that your daughter understands that she may have to miss a game or two as Daddy time is the priority. 

[Grace48]

I am trying to be very flexible and supportive with the ex and the children, and even told the ex if he was off on a weekend that was not his to call me and I would do my best to accomodate him. The one weekend he missed while we were out of town I offered to let him make it up whenever he liked. I have also offered to drive half way (as he works out of town all over the place) and let him get the kids for lunch and I would go shop or something. He expressed gratitude for that, but will not do it. When he came to get them the last time I even gave him my son's t-ball set and asked him to work with him on that, and he did and returned it. We are trying to be flexible, even though it is so hard for us to be civil, especially me. I am angry with him over the affair and he is angry he has lost control, he is a BIG control freak and a verbal abuser and he can't do that anymore. BUT we are dealing with it, or trying to. He is actually treating me nicer now than when we were married because he can't yell and belittle and bully. I am sure in time this will heal over and we can discuss these things rationally. Right now I just get intimidated  thinking about mentioning anything that might anger him knowing his temper.

Her coach is fine with her missing if it comes down to it. I will try to work it out with the ex, IF the situation even arises. My daughter doesn't know anything about the possibility of missing or not. I don't discuss any of this in front of her and I don't bad mouth him in front of her. I don't sugar coat the truth, I mean the ex tells her he has a new family now and he lives with them, so I don't pretend like that is not there, but I don't discuss anything in front of her unless it is factual and neccessary.

Thanks for the help.