Crisis Center Recommends I Post Here?

[TC]

How long has he been cared for by others? Why can't his Dad care for him?

About 3 months now.

If your son lives with you, WTF is this all about then?

T

[ladybugcurley]

I missed in an earlier reading that it was your birthday. I hope you made it a good one.

Thanks. My birthday is tomorrow. November 20th.

[ladybugcurley]

How long has he been cared for by others? Why can't his Dad care for him?

About 3 months now.

If your son lives with you, WTF is this all about then?

T

Taking cared of by others for the days I am unable to do so. Dad and family brings in food, takes care of laundry and other basic necessities which I cannot perform at the moment because I am too anxious. Cooking, ironing clothes and cleaning house requires being alone for periods of time thereby allowing the mind to wander.

[TC]

How long has he been cared for by others? Why can't his Dad care for him?

About 3 months now.

If your son lives with you, WTF is this all about then?

T

Taking cared of by others for the days I am unable to do so. Dad and family brings in food, takes care of laundry and other basic necessities which I cannot perform at the moment because I am too anxious. Cooking, ironing clothes and cleaning house requires being alone for periods of time thereby allowing the mind to wander.

Sorry, I don't buy this shit...if you have time to go dancing...find a "fix" etc....and are able to do so...you are able to take care of your child. 

Do I sound like a hardass....probably....but when it comes to children, I don't give much leeway.....they all deserve much better.

TC

[m_t]

That is hardly the picture you painted. Heck - my parents would pick up some slack for me when I was working, but I would hardly qualify that as them being taken care of by others. And you said that his Dad can't care for him, yet now he picks him up at school, brings in food, etc. First it was you hope to get back to being a Mom by mid-December, and now you've suddenly been doing and planning all this stuff. Seriously - which is it?

And I'm sorry, but I don't know many parents who can carve out two evenings (or more) to go off for hours at a time in the evening. Time for you to pull up your big girl pants and knock off the victim act. You most certainly can function w/o dancing extracurricularly - but it's up to you to choose to.

[ladybugcurley]

you hope to get back to being a Mom by mid-December, and now you've suddenly been doing and planning all this stuff. Seriously - which is it?

I guess to me, being a mom means being in the moment mentally. Sure I plan all these things. That's what I do. I produce and direct shows. I multi-task. I plan for months in advance and things will happen and I will physically be there BUT I am going through the motions. His dad is also doing the same thing. Doing things but feeling empty. Being a mom to me is feeling genuine emotions in laughing, reacting, teaching, caring, being there at the moment with your kids. I am just a shell right now. So is his dad. I did talk to another person in the industry who is like me and she too has the same let down but her group decided to stay with her. She did not loose an entire tribe.

This is where writing versus meeting people to people face to face fails in communication. Writing as a means of communication has many barriers because facial, body and demeanor cannot be read. The message can also be distorted and mis-interpreted by both sender and reciever due to cultural, racial, religious, and socio-economical differences between communicators. Guess I should get on the horse here as I feel the urge to write my philophical views on teaching for social justice. 

[m_t]

I will physically be there BUT I am going through the motions. His dad is also doing the same thing. Doing things but feeling empty. Being a mom to me is feeling genuine emotions in laughing, reacting, teaching, caring, being there at the moment with your kids. I am just a shell right now. So is his dad.

Then it's time for you AND Dad to get yourselves together. The kid deserves better than parents "going through the motions".

[christineseip]

lbc, it's hard working through real life while working with a mental illness that isn't well controlled- i know that all too well. however, i have to agree with most of the others.

when you have a child, that's it. your desires and needs, while still important, just aren't at the top of the list anymore. you've been bumped from the #1 position.

i suspect that you need to tune in to your child, and to your illness. you sound like you're bouncing around that manic-depressive continuum. from past, harsh experience, i found that when i wasn't under good control, that's when i tended to make some really bad decisions.

if it were still all about you, that would be fine-you'd be the only one living with the consequences. however, it ISN'T all about you anymore, and will never be again.

you need to start digging in and doing the work that's going to benefit you AND your child. not doing whatever makes you feel better, and the hell with anybody else. it sounds like you're using dance in the same way my dad used alcohol to treat his disease. it felt better than doing the hard work, which goes far beyond throwing pills at your brain. the crisis center is all well and good, but what you need is a long term therapist who will help push you until you can push yourself. i've been lucky-my therapist of 8 years has been completely committed to seeing things through with me. even when i walked out a few times, she was always there when i came back. she didn't have to be-when my insurance was dropped in july, she kept me on.

i'm not trying to be harsh here-just realistic. i've also discovered that people are kind here, and offer a lot of good advice. however, they call it like they see it, and don't blow sunshine up anybody's skirt. listen to what they have to say.....

[chill]

Personally I have seen bipolar first hand.  And it isn't easy nor good for children at certain times.  Some here that respond, do so acting like there is a formula and people "should".  It sound nice to those of us that rationalize, through some depression,, but bipolar is emotional, most of the time and we all know that there are no rational decisions based when emotional.  The world of a mentally ill person is their world, sometimes not the real world.  Did any of you think that possibly it might be at this child best interest to be raised or with his grandparents?  Do you think possibly the quality of life for this child might be better right now until his moms head is more level?  you can't poof a mental illness to buck up and get their priorties right.......and you also can't enable, there is a fine line.  So when answering someone who has a mental disability, maybe some of you could think and try to picture being trapped by a brain that does fire right.  Save the judgement and critisim at yourself and at your actions, at how you tend to treat people.

As for my suggestion. It is to go to a proffesional that specializes in bipolar.  Get on some meds, not so much for yourself, but for your child.  The right mix of medication, along with behavior modification, and practice you would be surprised at a difference it may make.

[Phoenix]

As for my suggestion. It is to go to a proffesional that specializes in bipolar.  Get on some meds, not so much for yourself, but for your child.  The right mix of medication, along with behavior modification, and practice you would be surprised at a difference it may make.

Exactly.  I agree that personality disorders are very difficult to deal with and also that they do not just poof go away.  At the same time, knowledge is both power and responsibility and if you do know (have you been diagnosed) that you have a specific personality disorder, then you have the knowledge necessary to begin to deal with it.  As chill said, a specialist, and the right meds can make a difference. 

[ladybugcurley]

Thanks for understanding and yes I am running on emotions and knew I was going to run on emotions so I warned everyone that I am in a highly emotional state but the drama, letting go, abandonment, rejection, loss of income, inactivity happened all at once. Just got back from therapist.

She recommends a visit to a psychiatrist. I don't know WHEN this will happen. Health insurance issues. She feels that I am having a manic depressive episode and while we are waiting for an appointment and meds to even me out, to go get dancing to even me out. It's particularly stressful since tomorrow was supposed to be my big birthday dance party - another thing that I had to cancel since I can't put on a planned performance.

I am exhausted. I feel like I have jet lag. You know. Feet touching solid ground but feel like I am walking on jelly. I am reading all your posts and I try to 'see' reality. I am normally a happy-go-lucky person though it doesn't seem so now. Really. I hope to someday laugh at all this silliness.

[christineseip]

i don't pretend to be a psychiatrist here-all i can do is speak from experience.

your great energy cycles, followed by a big crash, sounds suspiciously like i did back in the day, when my bipolar disease was completely out of control.

it is not normal to be able to have 10 plates spinning in the air at one time. it is not normal to have huge amounts of energy, day after day after day. the problem is, being hypomanic or manic feels GREAT. that's why so many people with bipolar disease don't comply with their treatment plans-it feels so good when you're manic.

the problem with mania, as i see it, is two-fold. one, when you're manic, it's usually all about you. the energy and impulsivity that it generates compels you to do whatever makes you feel good and energized, no matter the long term cost to you or those around you.

two, as you've already discovered, mania is inevitably followed by a big crash. there's no in between. it's either all up or all down. again, those closest to you suffer along with you.

if i had to hazard a guess, considering i'm no doctor and i don't know you at all-it sounds like your disease is completely out of whack. the best thing you can do right now is give that idea some serious thought. i always knew when i was depressed, but would always reject when my nearest and dearest suggested that perhaps i was too elevated. how dare they? i was feeling GREAT! looking back, they inevitably were right.

if the dancing is costing your child a mom, then that isn't normal or healthy.

i'm not trying to bust your chops. all i can tell you is that i have walked in your shoes. with the benefit of hindsight, i can now see that those around me were trying to help. i'm grateful for my, and especially for my childrens' sakes, that they didn't give up.

as long as you're posting here, i plan to dog you. think about what i've said. if you're manic now, this may not seem at all right or clear to you, but those with clearer heads can see something's wrong. trust them on this one.

[m_t]

Personally I have seen bipolar first hand.  And it isn't easy nor good for children at certain times.  Some here that respond, do so acting like there is a formula and people "should".  It sound nice to those of us that rationalize, through some depression,, but bipolar is emotional, most of the time and we all know that there are no rational decisions based when emotional.  The world of a mentally ill person is their world, sometimes not the real world.  Did any of you think that possibly it might be at this child best interest to be raised or with his grandparents?  Do you think possibly the quality of life for this child might be better right now until his moms head is more level?  you can't poof a mental illness to buck up and get their priorties right.......and you also can't enable, there is a fine line.  So when answering someone who has a mental disability, maybe some of you could think and try to picture being trapped by a brain that does fire right.  Save the judgement and critisim at yourself and at your actions, at how you tend to treat people.

As have others here. And while what you say is true, you also can't manage BPS by dancing it away.

[chill]

true dancing will not make a disorder go away.

I do know it shouldn't be too hard to get into a pshyc doctor especially when your own therapist says you need to go to one.  Also, who is prescibing the meds for you is the pshcy doctor isn't?

[ladybugcurley]

true dancing will not make a disorder go away.

But it calmed me down. A friend (different group) arranged a dance for me last night at a place eeriely similar to where I first met the dance partner. I wore the dress I had when this whole episode exploded to remove memories of the last time I had those clothes on. Some people from that time where there too to celebrate my birthday. Been almost calm all day today. Another group of friends arranged for a dance tonight at a location with the same name that I used to go to but is now being hounded by ex partner and gang. They just want to help me exorcise my last image of them there and celebrate my birthday with a more positive memory. I go home tomorrow early morning.

Husband, son and friends have made plans to come and celebrate tomorrow night at a family restaurant as well. These friends came out of the woodwork after finding out that I made the decision to break off from the dance partner. I was not imagining things or exagerating things that he did, the inappropriate actions he took and the vengeance he has undertaken. Apparently, these friends disconnected from me because of him and their experiences with him and are now reconnecting because he is gone.

Psych doctor wants to "verify insurance information' before giving me an appointment so I guess we have to wait till Monday OR after Thanksgiving for that visit. Meanwhile, what am I supposed to do? I do what I can to self-medicate till the appointment is made or this hypomania passes. Thank you all for not trying to knock me down when I am already down. I am still here and listening to all your advises. I do read a lot and yes, I do a lot of research as well.