taped phone conversation

[livealittle]

I escaped my previous life with a police escort and a short time to pack everything the kids and i would need for new lives.  I left behind a journal i wrote in at a retrouvaille retreat where I talked about killing myself because things were so bad. Everything was my fault and i could never do anything right, i could never apologize enough or do enough to keep him happy. why did I want to save the marriage so bad?

I have been there and done that.  My attorney told me not to give it a second thought. After the pictures of the abuse, the police reports, and the admission by him at the emergency hearing, my attorney assured me it wouldn't hurt me in any way.

please get some help.

www.youarenotcrazy.org is an excellent website
women's law initiative is another

please find a counselor who specializes in domestic violence and abuse.

and do some research on how many women actually escape and start a new life. the average abused woman leaves 8 times before getting away for good and that's only if he doesn't kill her in the process.

I left once and went back once because I wasn't prepared. I didn't know or understand what all you have to do if you have little kids to actually escape with your life and the ability to start over. I planned for a while because I knew I would only have one chance to do it right.

((((hugs))))

[TC]

Thanks, but I feel like a fool and I am afraid to tell my attorney...this call happened a few days before I obtained a lawyer.  I have made myself sick with worry.  It looks like if I was abused then why would I want him to come home...I walked right into a another big mess. We have pics of me with stitches in my face but that was 2 years ago...I have no idea of what I was thinking when I called.

You are being your own worst enemy here.

You didn't do anything that most people on this board didn't do at one point or another.....I know this will come as a shock, but you ARE human...just like the rest of us and as humans we all do things we wish at times we could go back and change.  It is a part of life.

So, you have a choice here....you can continue to beat the shit out of yourself and make yourself sick with worry, OR, you can get a grip and move forward in a deliberate manner focusing on what is right for YOU.

I recommend the latter, but that is just me.

TC

[candie]

Thank you...I feel so alone and your words help so much. Abuse was new to me and I have not yet really been able to accept that a man I loved could cause me pain. The mental abuse is pure torment. It sounds like you are in control of your life now and that is great.  Thank you for taking the time to help me understand what is happening to me.

[TC]

No problem Candie....there are lots of people here who understand and are willing to help.

In fact, there is a sister board to this one at the link below that is just for people going through issues like yours.  I encourage you to check it out as well.  I think you will find many individuals there willing to help who fully understand.

http://divorceinfo.com/heo/index.php/board,1.0.html

TC

[CollegeDad]

Listen, in domestic abuse cases, and I don't know what type of abuse exactly that you are talking about, but in these cases it seems that the victim is always going the extra mile to try to make all of this go away.  They are abused and they call the police.  The police show up and the abuse stops.  The police ask the victim if they want to press charges and a lot of the time they say no.  And they do this knowing full well that they are going to be abused again a lot of times. 

So, just because he may have a tape of you wanting to get back together does in no way prove that he has not abused you.  If I were him, I would really hate to hang my hat on a recording of a phone conversation when my victim was coming forward with medical bills and photos of injuries that I had done. 

This being domestic violence awareness month is a good time for you not only to move forward with this matter without fear or worry, but you need to press charges on him over this.  Set up a restraining order and stand up and fight this. 

What you need to know is that the system is there to aid you but, you have to make the system work for you.  One difficulty that I recently saw with a friend of mine that was domestically abused is knowing who to trust.  The world sort of collapsed on my friend and she really didn't know where to turn for help.  She felt that the court system couldn't be trusted, the police couldn't be trusted, and there was nothing that she could do to stop her ex-husband from continuing to harass her.  I hope that you are no where near that state of mind. 

Put together your case.  Do your homework of collecting all the evidence that you can and bring this to the judge.  The judge will take care of the matter, not your ex.  What your ex presents as evidence is his problem. 

Work all of this through your judge and cut off all communication with him accept through the legal process until you are sure where you want this case to go.  Trying to work things out with your ex is your attempt to take matters into your own hands and this is exactly what your soon to be ex wants you to do.  It seems to me that as long as you work this through your judge, you will be less likely to be manipulated by him into a compromising position.  From what you describe, he sounds like a first class manipulator, very dangerous. 

[Grace48]

As to the original post of taped phone conversations, AL is a one party state so as long as one person is aware it is acceptable. I had tons of taped calls and my attorney charged me to have them transcribed for court. I paid about $100 and they were never used. Also, what sounds so nasty on tape takes a totally different feel on paper with no emotion to it. Most times they are not used and the attorney can use the same information by simply asking you, as it is not heresay when it is between you and him. I wish you the best!!! Sorry about your situation.

[candie]

okay, went to court and my husband was a no show....this is a domestic violence case...I was told his lawyer was out of town. It was put off till Jan. and today I received a subpoena that it will be this Thursday. My first subpoena stated DOM VIO 3RD ASSAULT AND TODAY IT SAID DOM VIO 3RD- HARASSMENT. What is the difference if any? Why was it changed?

[candie]

My spouse had my internet cut off and that is why I have not been on here...i need help.

[TC]

My spouse had my internet cut off and that is why I have not been on here...i need help.

There are people here and at the Helping Each Other board who are more than willing to help.

Sorry abou the Internet...that had to suck.

How can we help?

TC

[livealittle]

okay, went to court and my husband was a no show....this is a domestic violence case...I was told his lawyer was out of town. It was put off till Jan. and today I received a subpoena that it will be this Thursday. My first subpoena stated DOM VIO 3RD ASSAULT AND TODAY IT SAID DOM VIO 3RD- HARASSMENT. What is the difference if any? Why was it changed?

when I pressed charges against my mother in law it was on Assault 3rd degree. What was explained to me was that there was assault that left marks, but the victim didn't require medical treatment - like at an emergency room. I don't know what the difference is to now be harrassment.

do you have the police report?
did the officer take pictures?

I saw an investigator after the assault and she took pictures of the mark on my face where my MIL had scratched me. It was still visible the next day. The officer who responded didn't take pictures of the handprints on my face where she had slapped me repeatedly nor of the mark on my arm where she grabbed me. I don't bruise easily, so there weren't any bruises.

I didn't fight back because I was holding the 3 week old baby when she attacked me.

be proactive. get copies of every legal document you can. go to court and ask what the difference is and why it was changed. be very calm and matter-of-fact. If you break down and start crying or get hysterical you won't be able to help yourself.

I called a domestic violence hotline and talked to a counselor who explained to me why dv victims make terrible witnesses and a lot cases fall apart because of that. It really helped me prepare my case.

[CollegeDad]

If you can't access the Internet from home then go to your local library.  I believe you may be able to access the Internet from a computer there. 

I don't understand what is going on with your case when it is rescheduled one day because of a problem with your ex's attorney and then it is rescheduled less than a week later.  Apparently, it almost fell of the court docket for that week and then your ex's attorney's conflict cleared up and your ex was able to appear before the week was out. 

Sometimes a judge will not allow an attorney to "continue" a case to another time.  If you are ready to see the judge on the case, then a continuance is an inconvenience to you.  If you have an attorney representing you, your attorney may ask the judge to not allow it to be continued any more.  Sometimes a judge will mark a case "Not to be continued any further".  You may try asking the court clerk if you can have your case marked "Not to be continued" in the future so that you can deal with this ASAP. 

If your ex is not allowed to continue the case and he does not show up, you win the case by a default judgement. 

Its important that you listen to people on this discussion board and elsewhere that have been victims of domestic violence and be aware of how you can prepare to deal with this matter and not become your own worst enemy by allowing your fear to paralyze you from taking care of yourself.