50/50 custody question

[alamom]

Ex and I have always had 50/50 custody of our son. He is about to turn 14 and wants to get a job so he can start saving for a car. I think this is very responsible of him and he is a good student so I am inclined to let him do it and if it starts affecting his school work, then we can re-evaluate.

My ex lives an hour away and our son goes to school here in the town where I live. Every other week when he's with his dad, they commute the hour to school and back. If my son gets a job, it will be in the town where I live and he goes to school because it just makes sense. My ex is not in favor of him getting a job because he knows this will mean my son will have to spend more time here and less time with his dad.

Even though I know that might be painful to my ex, I feel that he should not stand in the way of our son trying to be a responsible teenager and earning money for something he wants.

My question is whether he can legally stand in the way of our son getting a job? Does my 14 year old son need permission from both parents to obtain employment?

[livealittle]

lots of ways to earn money besides working a "job" where you get a schedule handed to you.

what about yardwork for the neighbors? odd jobs he's capable of doing?

and even working at fast food or something like that, if he's open and up-front about "I can work every other week because of the custody/visitation arrangement" he still might be able to do it even without one parent's full support.

I think it's great that he is being so responsible and planning for the future.

I would think the biggest concern would be transportation. And keep in mind, the laws only allow 14 and 15 year olds to work very limited hours on school nights anyway.

[TC]

This is an interesting situation and just one of a whole lot of reasons I have never been a 50/50 advocate.

If your decree stipulates 50/50 then I'm thinking your ex has just as much say in the matter as you do...but I'm only guessing there. 

LIV  has good suggestions....and mayhaps it is time for the lad to have a long father-son talk with the old man too.

TC

[alamom]

I thought there was something in Alabama law about kids being able to make decisions at age 14 about who they wanted to live with, so I thought maybe that applied to getting a job also.

[m_t]

I thought there was something in Alabama law about kids being able to make decisions at age 14 about who they wanted to live with, so I thought maybe that applied to getting a job also.

Kids do not get to choose where to live at 14 (or any other age under 18) in any state. Kids MAY have their wishes heard, depending on the judge and the child's age/level of maturity, but their wishes are in no way controlling - the JUDGE still decides.

If your court orders specify that the boy lives with Dad every other week, Dad is well within his rights to refuse permission to work on his time. And if he spends 50% of the time with Dad, why does it "make more sense" for him to get a job in your town? It makes as much sense for him to get one in Dad's.

[Wolfy]

If the child is with you half the time and with his dad half the time why does it make more sense for him to get a job near you? It seems to me that it could be just as likely to get a job where his dad lives.

[alamom]

If the child is with you half the time and with his dad half the time why does it make more sense for him to get a job near you? It seems to me that it could be just as likely to get a job where his dad lives.

It makes more sense because he goes to school in my town and could work after school. If he got a job in his dad's town, he could not work after school.

[Wolfy]

It may be more inconvienent at his dad's but not insurmountable. It all depends on how things work out.

[m_t]

If the child is with you half the time and with his dad half the time why does it make more sense for him to get a job near you? It seems to me that it could be just as likely to get a job where his dad lives.

It makes more sense because he goes to school in my town and could work after school. If he got a job in his dad's town, he could not work after school.

Oops, sorry.

Really, though... given the minimal hours that he could likely work, it wouldn't be that big a deal to sort out transportation.

And to be realistic... jobs for teens are REALLY hard to find nowadays. Especially as young as your son is. There are lots of adults looking for those same jobs. The major employer for teens in our area is Six Flags - when they had their employment fair easier this year, it was jammed with unemployed adults looking to get the jobs filled almost exclusively by teens in the past. Even places like McD's are not hiring like they used to.

[pp13]

Perhaps you and Dad can work out trading days.  Perhaps he can have an extra Saturday here and there or a night or two on his "off" weeks.

[CollegeDad]

Hey alamom,

I'll weigh in on this discussion since I did have custody of my son 50/50.  I had a clause in my decree that basically stated that my ex and I could agree on other things that weren't covered in the decree.  We did not stipulate that those agreements had to be in writing but since we communicated via email a lot of the time whatever we agreed on outside of the decree was for all intents and purposes "in writing".  I don't believe you have to have this explicitly written in your decree.  I did have it in mine.  I think that this sort of thing is understood by any court anyway in these kinds of arrangements.  The key, no matter what, is that you and the ex communicate and cooperate concerning your son. 

The trouble with these 50/50 arrangements is when you and the ex don't agree about something.  Then what do you do?  Most of the time you just leave things the way they are because about the only other remedy is to go back to court and argue for primary custody for your child and this is a lot more involved than telling a 14 year old that they are going to have to wait until they are able to drive themselves to work (whatever age you decide is appropriate for that) before they can take a job that is going to inconvenience dad. 

I don't recommend doing anything that is going to ruin the spirit of cooperation that you apparently have with your ex.  If you were to ignore your ex's complaints about things and just go ahead and do what you want about it, you will set your son up to be in conflict with dad and I can guarantee dad is going to start making decisions that are not so convenient for you the next chance that he gets.   

Having lived in a 50/50 arrangement for more than a decade you really do have to make working with your ex your top priority when it comes to dealing with your child.  You can't ever allow your child to think that they can go to one or the other parent to get the answer that they want.  As tempted as you may be to give them what they want, you have to do your best to keep them convinced that you and dad are united on all decisions regarding them.  Work this out with dad before you tell your child what you are going to allow them to do.  This way you will protect dad from ever looking like the bad guy in this situation.  You would certainly want your him to do the same for you. 

Now, if it turns out, your amicable arrangement with your ex has truly broken down to the point that you just can't tolerate it any more then yeah, you are going to have to go back to court and seek physical custody of your son.  I understand there are now five categories of custodianship these days.  I believe it is religion, medical, education, physical and one other.  I'm sure for you to allow him to go to work in your area, you are going to have to seek physical custody. 

In my opinion, you are in the stronger position in a physical custody battle since you live in the school zone where your child goes to school and your ex doesn't.  When my divorce was originally decreed, I was told that in a 50/50 physical custody situation I always needed to live in whatever school zone that my son went to school.  This was because at any time my ex could have filed a motion to modify the decree and ask to become my son's primary custodian and ask for full physical custody.  And if this had have happened, the judge would have tried to decide based on what would have been the least disruptive to my child's current living arrangement at that time.  I don't believe it is any different today. 

Let me make this clear, I don't recommend that you go to court because of this situation that you have described.  I don't think that you are a ready to go fight a court battle over this either.  I believe the other suggestions that people have made are good.  There are a lot of creative ways to work around this problem and try to keep everybody happy. 

I will share this with you and everyone else out there that live in one of these 50/50 arrangements.  In my own personal experience with this, where it starts to break down is when 3rd parties that aren't necessarily on board with all of the cooperation that you may be enjoying with your ex over your son, come in and interject their thoughts and opinions that are more self serving than in the best interest of you, your ex, and your son.  You haven't said that this is a factor in your case but, be on the lookout for this and try to head it off as best you can and warn your ex against it too.  And I wish you and your family the best on this. 

These 50/50 arrangements are not easy but I do recommend them for the children because I feel that it offers to the children the gift of parents that work very closely together for their best interest.  In fact, the only way these things can work is if the parents work together.