change of custody

[marlin]

I'm looking for some advice.  I have been divorced for 5 years and have a 16 y/o daughter and a 10 y/o son with my ex.  My ex is the custodial and I have the standard visitation.  I got re-married 3 years ago.  My son has "ADD" but isn't taking any medication.  According to the MD that gave him the diagnosis, he needs a lot of structure and consistency in his daily routine to help him stay focused.  His mom probably has ADD as well but was never diagnosed or treated.  Unfortunately, she doesn't have the ability (or discipline) to provide the structure and consistency he needs.  His teacher sent a message to me and my ex expressing concern over his ability to keep up with his assignments/homework, his organization skills, etc.  His mom has struggled to keep a job, and as far as I can tell is still unemployed.  Everytime I speak to the kids when the're at their mom's, my son is watching t.v. or playing video games.

All this to say I would like to pursue a change of custody, and wanted advice on what it takes to successfully change this arrangement.  I'm aware it's difficult, and that I will have to prove I'm more capable of parenting him.  What types of proof would I need to present to a judge to make this happen?  I'm not sure if this would factor into it, but my son has said he would like to spend more time with me.  Any help would be appreciated...

[CollegeDad]

The reason that this is difficult is Judges err on the side of stability.  Once custody has been set, they want to keep everything stable for the child.  And this normally means not changing prime custodian unless it can be shown that the current situation is truly a detriment to the child. 

Unless the prime custodian is abusing drugs, has broken the law, is abusing the child, is bringing around people unrelated to the child that are doing one or more of the above, it is going to be very steep up hill battle. 

You are going to have to amass a mountain of professional opions and evidence that demonstrate why a custody change is needed in the first place and why you are the best person to receive custody.  And as I'm sure you know, a mountain of evidence requires a mountain of money.  You can subpeona every person that has any contact with the child and bring them all in for intense depositions about what is going on with the child and who they feel would better care for the child.  This list would include doctors, counselors, teachers, coaches, other eye witnesses like parents of other children that know you and so on.  You can pull records together like medical, school, and anything else that is kept about your son.  You can bring forward your own contact log with your son that shows everything that you are currently doing on your son's beahalf like taking him to appointments and activities.  Finally, you and your ex will be cross examined. 

You have to convince the Judge why destabilizing your son's life with his mom is warranted not from your opinion but from a mountain of evidence that you've brought forward including professional opinions that agree with you. 

What concerns me about your case is that you are only asking to change custody of your son.  By not asking for the daughter to live with you as well, you are basically admitting that your ex-wife is good enough to keep one of your children.  I'm afraid the way the judge is going to see it is if your ex-wife is good enough to keep one child then she's good enough to keep both of them. 

I say all of this assuming that when your ex-wife gets wind of what you are doing, she is going to contest it. 

If she were willing to make the custody change, then its not a problem.  But, that is not likely the case.  Most of the time it does not work that way.

I'm only giving you my opinion.  I'm not an attorney and I've never been through your exact situation.  I did win custody of my son though because his mom allowed him to come and live with me full time when he turned 16.  She found a new boy friend in another county and left my son alone when he would come to spend time with her.  We had a joint physical custody arrangement very much unlike what you currently have. 

[livealittle]

if you can contact Anniewalker on here, she would have a wealth of good information for you. She has a daughter about 16 now and a few years ago, she was CP and the dad was NCP. there came a time when both Anniewalker and the father realized that the child would do better spending the majority of time at Dad's and having visitation with mom. I think they just did it themselves and because of the IWO for the court ordered child support, I think for a while he continued to pay and she would just refund the money right back to him.

you can click on her name in the members list and read her posts and find her posts about this. She posted about it and EVERYONE slammed her for doing it. I think she did what she believed was best for her child, which everyone should have been patting her on the back for.


will mom agree to a change in custody. That would be the easist and least expensive way to do this. then you would just do a "joint petition to modify" and it would be done.

[marlin]

Thanks for the reply College Dad.  That's what I thought as well.  And by the way, I would also seek custody of my daughter too...it's just that she's older now and her wishes would presumably have more sway with the judge.

[marlin]

Thanks Livealittle.  I'll reach out to anniewalker for some suggestions.  I'm going to try to get their mom to agree to let them spend more time with me.  That seems like the more realistic way to go.

[livealittle]

Thanks Livealittle.  I'll reach out to anniewalker for some suggestions.  I'm going to try to get their mom to agree to let them spend more time with me.  That seems like the more realistic way to go.

After posting about that sitution and the way she was treated by the majority of people on the other side of the board, she doesn't come on here hardly at all anymore.

she lives near me and we stay in contact IRL. I will send her a message and tell her to expect contact from you through HEO. She might pop back on here to answer you.

I can't really think of anyone else that has done that and posted about it. I know Wolfy has a pretty good working relationship with his x in regards to seeing the children in addition to what's listed in the divorce settlement. I think Sluggo is the same way. you might wasnt to pop over to the other side and check in with them.