Pre-Divorce Status Quo and Support

[AtPeace]

OK. That all makes sense to me. Are there any suggestions about what I should do at this point?

Take into consideration that I am open for anything. I am not angry nor do I want to try and keep something from her. I merely want her to have that which she is entitled to. I perhaps erred by offering too much from the start. Aren't I justified by breaking off negotiations also when they immediately ask for more? Or should I just stand strong with the original offer? I have read through the law concerning those particular matters. I know my offer is a good one.

As to our sleeping arrangements... When I get my children we will stay with my mother. They both have beds there. Eventually I should be able to afford to rent a house. Understand I had a pretty nice place before I married my wife. I have to suppress my ego in this regard. I know it is irrelevant.

[m_t]

I'll reply in more depth later, but remember this - mediation is, essentially, negotiation. One does not ever go into a negotiation with a "final" offer. You offer less than you're willing to give, ask for more than you're willing to settle for. Sit down, figure out where your "line in the sand" is. Figure out what she's likely to want that you don't see as a hill to die on. And go from there.

[AtPeace]

That is good information. I had a different idea about what mediation would entail. I'm obviously not much of a negotiator. I can probably learn though.

[livealittle]

something else to remember is that the mediators job is to get you both to agree.  It doesn't matter how "just" or "fair" or "in the best interest of the child" the settlement is, the mediator's job is just to get you to agree.

I'd make 3 lists,

absolutely non-negotiable
wish list, but willing to negotiate
don't care about at all, but let's ask for it so we can give it up


make sure your attorney knows your non-negotiable items.


something else to think about during the divorce

claiming the child/children on taxes

[AtPeace]

I believe in AL (though I can't remember why I believe it) that the Custodial Parent always gets the tax break... correct?

[Golfball]

I believe in AL (though I can't remember why I believe it) that the Custodial Parent always gets the tax break... correct?

The CP usually gets the tax break, but the CP can also sign a form (Form 8332, I think) assigning the tax break to the NCP.

[AtPeace]

Oh. Hm. That is good to know, though I doubt it would make any difference whatsoever in my case.

[Golfball]

OK. That all makes sense to me. Are there any suggestions about what I should do at this point?

Your attorney can best advise you on this.

Take into consideration that I am open for anything. I am not angry nor do I want to try and keep something from her. I merely want her to have that which she is entitled to. I perhaps erred by offering too much from the start. Aren't I justified by breaking off negotiations also when they immediately ask for more?

Are they asking for more than your offer, or more than their original offer?

Or should I just stand strong with the original offer? I have read through the law concerning those particular matters. I know my offer is a good one.

You should also keep in mind the consequences/costs of standing firm on your offer.  If it's going to cost more to defend your offer (due to increased court costs), would you have come out ahead offering a minor concession?

In my case, even though my X would probably not have received alimony had it gone to court, I still offered some, because going to court to defend against an alimony claim would have cost me more than I was offering to pay in alimony.  (Eventually, the X waived the alimony in exchange for other considerations.)

[AtPeace]

Yes, they are asking for more than what I am offering. I offered too much at the onset.

1. Car       She would get anyway
2. House   Would probably be split
3. CS        Of course she would get that anyway too, but she went way under in estimating her income, 1 day a week. (She's a nurse).

I guess the only thing I was giving up was the house, except that I have been also paying the mortgage while she tired to get financing. The house is a strange topic because the day after I signed an agreement to buy she filed for divorce (the second time). I bought it anyway because I thought it would help work things out. At the time I really wanted to stay married. We still don't live in it so it can't be considered the family home. I don't know how much the judge considers these things, but I thought it was a pretty generous offer. If she would prefer some alimony, then I guess that would be OK, but I can't do both.

[Wolfy]

If I were you, and I'm not, I would think less about what's fair for your stbx, and think more about what is fair for you.

[AtPeace]

Yes, I'm slowly starting to understand that. At first it is a strange pill, but then they are teaching me.

[livealittle]

Yes, they are asking for more than what I am offering. I offered too much at the onset.

1. Car       She would get anyway
2. House   Would probably be split
3. CS        Of course she would get that anyway too, but she went way under in estimating her income, 1 day a week. (She's a nurse).

I guess the only thing I was giving up was the house, except that I have been also paying the mortgage while she tired to get financing. The house is a strange topic because the day after I signed an agreement to buy she filed for divorce (the second time). I bought it anyway because I thought it would help work things out. At the time I really wanted to stay married. We still don't live in it so it can't be considered the family home. I don't know how much the judge considers these things, but I thought it was a pretty generous offer. If she would prefer some alimony, then I guess that would be OK, but I can't do both.

judges typically don't really consider alimony unless it is at least a 10 year marriage.

you have to provide "proof" of income for the child support affidavit - "rule 32" in AL law. 

no, the CP doesn't automatically get the child deduction.  If you get it in the divorce decree, it's much easier to take it than trying to work it out each year.  You should also go ahead and address the medical stuff - who will carry insurance on the children, how you will split the out-of-pocket costs and medical generally covers dental and mental health and vision stuff, too.  You may also want to address extra-curricular activites - if the CP has carte blanch to sign up the child and the NCP has "agreed to pay for all extra-curricular activities" you may cause lots of conflict down the road.

it's better to address more things now, than fewer.  It gets harder and harder to change things down the road.  It was basically explained to me as this

you have one chance to do this - and you better get it right the first time.

good luck.

[AtPeace]

Nice! Thank you very much! That is a great explanation.

I'm signing up with Lee as a coach within the next week.