Pre-Divorce Status Quo and Support

[AtPeace]

New here, so please forgive me for any wrongs.

My wife and I are separated pending divorce. (I suppose the vernacular here is STBX.)
The lawyers I have consulted have all said that judges like to maintain status quo. So I do that.
I pay for the rental house in which she and the children live along with utilities.
I pay the mortgage on a house that we bought and were working on but is not suitable to live in yet.
I pay her car insurance, etc.
She pays daycare and groceries, etc.

My total is well above what I expect CS to be, but she (through her lawyer) wants me to pay CS also.
They are using this as a sticking point before writing a temporary visitation agreement.
The total is well above what I make, but of course I will do it if that is what is normal. I can get loans as my credit is good.
The alternative is to have a temporary hearing, but if it is going to work out that I pay these things and CS, then why bother with the hassle?

Is this a normal arrangement?

[Wolfy]

I am not an expert on this but I believe most judges realize both spouses will have a lower standard of living when divorced than when married and in one house. So one consideration is alimony, if any. I also would find it hard to believe a jusdge is going to order you to pay more than you make each month, unless you have an exceptionally low income, which I would doubt if you are currently paying for a mortgage, rent, etc. CS can be variable depending on how often the kids are with you versus her, as well as other things.

I would expect that your stbx is asking for a high amount hoping you will agree to it or to give her wiggle room to come down to a more reasonable amount. I am sure others with more experience will come on in time an give you a better and more correct answer. In the mean time, welcome and I'm sorry you find need of this place.

[AtPeace]

Thank you for the quick reply. I have been reading posts all night. I noticed your quote before. Funny.

There is no need to be sorry for me. I am extremely grateful that this forum exits. This is my first marriage and consequently my first divorce. I just want to do what is right and proper with as little fuss as is possible. I am probably naive, but I don't believe the the fighting is really all that necessary. In the end we surrender it all, so why try to hold on to it now?

I want my wife (sorry, stbx) and children to be happy, but that is a decision we all make on our own. No amount of money or possession can assist. We have been fortunate and blessed and yet still unhappy. Sad, but not uncommon. Again, thanks for the reply.

[m_t]

Sigh.... I fear your generosity will bite you in the butt. Big time. We have had several posters here over the years who have been generous, and when the time came for a support order, yes, the judge maintained status quo. Because they had shown during the separation that they actually could manage to pay what they were paying, regardless of the personal financial situation. Reality is that things do have to change after divorce. It is impossible to maintain the same lifestyle one shared as a couple - there is no longer a cohesive whole to maintain, but two separate ones.

Where are YOU living? Are the stbx/kids living in the marital home? If so, you made a huge error in judgment moving out. Both financially and in terms of custody/visitation.

Some further details would be helpful.

[AtPeace]

I live on my brother's couch. I simply can't afford to live anywhere else till this thing gets sorted. I do understand that in one sense I made a huge mistake in moving out of the rental house. It was hardly a home, marital or otherwise. Let me see if I can explain why I made an error in judgment on purpose:

My wife (stbx) has filed for divorce on two separate occasions. The first time, she asked me to leave saying that she wanted a separation. I was floored, but I have pretty much always given her what she asked. I borrowed the van that I bought her when we were married and moved my things. I brought some of her things back to her from storage and moved some more things later that night. I then got my car and went to stay with my mother. (This is a demeaning thing for a man that had been marginally successful). Anyway, she immediately filed for divorce and got a restraining order against me, suggesting that I was a flight risk. I missed my son's second birthday.

I was hurt, of course, but I believe after calling her lawyer and being yelled at and threatened I saw what was going on there. They were baiting me. I had entered a game about which I knew nothing. I got a lawyer and immediately "lost control of my divorce."

We got back together soon after and tried to patch things up. It turns out that she discovered that because we had been married for such a short time, she rshe would not be getting very much. She decided she wanted a house. I was trying to reconcile, so like the idiot I turned out to be, I bought one. She filed for divorce again the day we signed an agreement to buy. My lawyer told me not to close on the house. But against all common sense, I convinced myself to do so anyway. The house needed some work, but as a last attempt to maintain some bastion of my dignity, I waited till she dropped the divorce. My, aren't I the strong one.

We tried counseling but she quit going. Of course she quit the other things that married people generally do also; cooking, cleaning, that other stuff. Once when I returned from a business trip she had packed all my belongings in garbage bags. We haven't moved into the house that I bought because it needed a lot of work and is unfinished at present. I began to suspect she was going to file for divorce again because I noticed a whole lot of traffic on the health insurance account. She was getting major dental work and her children (fapm) were also. Life was pretty miserable, so I filed myself this time.

My support situation is that I am paying for the rental house and the mortgage on the other house along with utilities and storage and insurance. They still want me to pay CS, but I just can't, so I don't. I made a generous offer, of the house (if she picks up the mortgage) and the kids (with visitation for me) and the car, and CS. I instructed my lawyer that this was a generous offer and not a starting point for negotiation. If they want more, we offer less. So spiraling of of control we go.

It was my intention to stay. I wanted to stay. I convinced myself that my children needed me to stay. But I couldn't stay. Whenever I would go 'home' she would dress the kids and head to her mother's house. This not accounting for whatever the time might be. So with my children screaming, I told her that she didn't have to leave, I would go. I warm a couch and I know it is not the best thing I can do, but here I am.

[Wolfy]

Nobody can change what you've done, you can only look out for your future. Remember that whatever you agree to now will continue for the rest of your life. I hope your attorney is guiding you with that in mind. What happens if you loose your job and get a lower paying jiob. Do the kids stay with you at all? If so, that should ofset the cs to some degree. Make sure your not going to be an idiot (your word) any more. Give your stbx what's fair but also be fair to yourself. I'm not sure offerring her more and working down from there is the right strategy.

[AtPeace]

Gotcha! I will try to not be so stupid about this whole thing.

I was told that her lawyer was a good lawyer and would recognize a good deal.
I was misinformed, at least about the good deal part.
It is annoying that they want more, more, more, but I suppose it is human nature.

I read that it is possible to have part of the CS put into a college fund. One may even ask her to contribute. Is this correct?
Does anyone know how to get mediation started. Even the courts recommend it here.

[m_t]

What state are you in? That's the most important first question.

[AtPeace]

Heart of the South. Alabama.

[m_t]

Start by reading all of Lee's info on AL. Go through the posts on the 'Bama board.

[AtPeace]

Yes, thank you, I will. I am. There is a lot of information therein. Takes some time to absorb.

[livealittle]

Lee has a link to a child support calculator.  From your post, I gathered that you and stbx-wife have 1 child together.  If you have not legally adopted her children from a previous marriage, then the 1 child is all you will be paying child support on.

Judges can and will order you to pay more than you make - especially if you have shown you have paid it throughout the pendancy of the divorce - doesn't matter if you took out loans, if you found a way to pay it, the opposing council can argue that you have demonstrated not only an ability to pay , but a desire to.

get a temporary order.  Divorce is about business, get about the business of minding yours.  That means making sure you can support your self.  When you have overnight visitation with your child, where will he sleep - you are sleeping on the couch, will he sleep on the floor?

and don't go against your attorney's advice again. That's why you pay him/her.

good luck.

some other sites you may find helpful


www.deltabravo.net

www.throughthefog.com/forum

www.divorcecare.org

http://www.dhr.state.al.us/page.asp?pageid=288

[AtPeace]

OK. Thanks for the advice.

[Golfball]

Gotcha! I will try to not be so stupid about this whole thing.

I was told that her lawyer was a good lawyer and would recognize a good deal.
I was misinformed, at least about the good deal part.
It is annoying that they want more, more, more, but I suppose it is human nature.

The lawyer may still recognize the good deal, but it is your STBX's lawyer's job to advocate for the best deal as possible for their client.

And please don't do that, "if they want more, we offer less" deal.  Unless you have a *VERY* good reason for doing so, it's only going to contribute to the spiralling out of control, and possibly land you in court when they (justfiably) break off negotiations.

[m_t]

Have to agree with Golfball. That sort of game playing is likely to backfire on you big time.