***Really in a Bad Spot Need Advice

[Zer0]

Some of you may have read my earlier post about me and my STBX getting along and was agreeing on Joint Physical Custody of our children. We had agreed to save money that we would see the same lawyer, and keep everything civil. That was until Sun evening when I dropped the girls off to her and she handed me preliminary divorce papers.

Now to give a little history, I caught my wife having an affair with a 19 yr old, she is 30, a couple of months ago and I moved out as soon as I found out. Even though I was more than upset, for the sake of my children I played nice. she said she wanted the house to not take the girls out of the home .. I agreed. We agreed on Joint Physical custody so we would both have equal time with the girls. Splitting the child support etc.  I caught her once again having another continuing affair with yet another man, which she meet at a bar no more than a week after I moved out.

Once I read the papers I was totally caught off guard ... It stated that the marriage was over due to incompatibility, (yeah they left out the whole adultery thing). She wanted joint custody with her having the kids, Wanted the house, and pay me my portion of it after 18 months or so. (According to her and my lawyer she doesn't have to pay me at all unless 1 of 4 separate things occur. One being when my youngest daughter turns 19. etc etc.) She wanted me to pay over $3000 in past medical bills from where she quit her job and lost the insurance while pregnant due to severe depression. Only visitation for me would be every other weekend. Right at $1000 in child support after they added in the girls insurance, which I am already covering them for, and child care of $400 a month as well. Me having a life insurance policy for the girls of $100,000 but she doesn't have to.

So after all of this I went to the house yesterday with a camera, The house was a total wreck, and very unfit for my children to be there, Litter box in my 7 year olds room, full and her roomed smelled horrible, and in one of the bath rooms where they had locked up the dog a week or so ago in there when it was cold, there was dog crap and dog urine spread every whereAnd the door wasn't shut.  Trash in open bags on the floor, dirty clothes everywhere .. the list goes on.  My youngest daughter was there with the baby sitter at the time.  It was sickening to me to see my kids in that situation ...

Today I went to go see a lawyer. And didn't get one bit of good news ... According to him the only two judges here in this county WILL not approve JPC, What was on the paper about the house was true, he said the child support could be played with to get it down some ... but other than that there wasn't much else I could do except go for full custody, and I did have enough evidence to at least put up a fight but I only have maybe a 50/50 chance of getting the girls. And that if I was going to fight for custody he would advise me to move back in the house. I told him what good will that do the girls, all that is going to do is hurt them and make this that much harder for them.  As far as the pictures he said it was dploriable but really didn't go into what recourse I have at this time.

So here I am up at 2am trying to figure out what to do, I have another appointment with the lawyer tomorrow at 4. but I am at a total lose as what to do now, the only thing that matters to me is my girls, I will not be a every other weekend father. I am already missing out on so much as it is.  How can she get away with this .... she has been totally in the wrong, she is the one at fault here .. and my daughters and I will be the ones paying for it. .. 

Please share all of your thoughts with me ... I am in dire need of guidance at this point.  Sorry for the long rant...

[livealittle]

oh Zero, my heart just goes out to you.

a couple websites you might find helpful


www.deltabravo.net


www.throughthefog.com/forum

Lee's part on the divorceinfo side with the child custody factors.  Start reading now everything you can get your hands on regarding divorce and custody.  There are stats about fathers and daughters and girls who have a strong father figure in their lives and those who don't - compile and organize everything you can get your hands on.  use the sheets and document everything you have been doing and how these things are in the best interest of the children. 

everything you do, show how it is in the best interest of teh children.  And listen to your attorney - moving out of the house was probably a bad legal move on your part.  I understand what you are saying about your reluctance to do so, but, the legal manuvers are like a chess game and you have to set the board to your advantage.  Unlike chess, though, divorce has no winners.

good luck.

[Cam]

in a health and safety situation i wonder if getting the department of family services or such an agency in your area involved wouldn't be in your best interest ... since you have pictures that is pretty solid evidence of neglect and child endangerment .. it mght pay to check it out ..i know they are really strapped for monies and it really takes a lot to have children removed but ... you are in a family situation where they could be safely placed with a family member (their father) and a plan outlined thru the state she would have to meet in order to get them back in the meantime it might really help your situation with the court ... try a family law attorney ... or see about a guardian at litem (sp) being appointed
my son went thru a similar situation when his daughter was 18 months , and it was a court ordeal for him to try to get custody as a dad in mt it is very unusual ... but he prevailed and had dfs involved and eventually got full custody she is 8 now and mom is completely out of the picture .. it cost him a small fortune and he almost gave up several times .. but without the dfs involvement i really don't know what the out come might have been .... good luck

[CollegeDad]

I'm sorry that I saw this so late. 

First of all lets sort a few things out.  Yes, your wife has been unfaithful and continues to be unfaithful.  As emotionally devastating as this news is you must set that fact aside for what is in the best interest of your children.  Adultery does play into a decision for custody of children.  As devastated as you may be about this betrayal by your spouse, the court is not as interested in your personal pain as they are what is the best living situation for your children.

The longer that you allow your wife to live alone with your children the more that you are agreeing with her appropriateness for managing their care.  Sure, any evidence that you collect about the condition of the house will be important but someone is going to ask you why you didn't go back to that house and clean it up for them since after all it is still your house. 

If you wait too long to act, then I would expect her to file for legal separation and a pendente lite order to have you go ahead and pay support while your trial is pending. 

So, if at all possible, follow your attorney's advice and move back into that house ASAP!!  Then clean up that mess and start keeping a record of how you are improving the standard of living of your children by living with them. 

50/50 chance is better than little to no chance. 

I suspect from what you are describing, your wife will be the one that wants to move out if she wants to continue her behaviour outside of your scrutiny.  And her behaviour will be on trial where it might affect her children's welfare.  If you are there then you have first hand knowledge of how the children are being cared for by her. 

I'll post more later if its not too late. 

[Wolfy]

One thought is to talk to several lawyers that will give an initial consultation for free. See what the majority says. If most of them agree with this lawyer then you know he is giving you straight info, and can work from there. If not, pick another lawyer. Understand too, that what your stbx asks for and what is finally negotiated are two different things. As far as custody of the girls, she probably wants greater time with them because she will get more child support that way. Again, this is negotiable. Good luck

[m_t]

As far as custody of the girls, she probably wants greater time with them because she will get more child support that way. Again, this is negotiable. Good luck

So would it be fair to say that NCPs want greater time with the children only because they want to pay less child support?

Newsflash - MOST parents want more time with their kids because..... dum da dum! ..... they want to parent their kids.

[Wolfy]

And a good parent knows the children need both parents in their lives equally.

[Wolfy]

Let me rephrase that.

A good parent knows that if both parents are good parents, the child will have the best chance of succeeding in life if the child has both parents in their lives equally

[Ann Marie]

This may not sound right, but after what you discribed, i'm a little pissed off. You're no better than your ex in my opinion.

If I walked into the house and it looked and smelled as you say, I'd have taken my children out of there asap and she'd have to come after ME for those children.

You're using those children as an excuse because you're trying to get to your ex, is what I see.

Sorry, but innocent kids are my FIRST priority!

No coddling from me bud. Either you care about them, or you don't. PERIOD!

[newmom]

I'm in a similar situation... but it is more abuse and adultly but my soon to be ex has the girl he was having an affair with pregnant.  So it is a little easier for me to prove.  But I would talk to an investigator to prove her being unfit.  Going to bars, drinking and driving, you needed to get pictures of the condition of the house with your girls living there.  With the house being that bad and your girls living there you can call DHR.  They will go out and inspect the house and if it is unfit they will take them from there and you would have them.  Temporarily.  Until court and all of that.  But there are things that you can do.  The thing with DHR is you have to remember that if the state takes the girls from both of you it is really hard to get them back.  But if your girls are living in a mess that is unhealthy call them.  Make a report get a case number and take step after step.  You have to prove her to be unfit!  Now with the adultery if you know the name of the 19 year old.  Get him in court!  Have your lawyer question him and to rattle him a little,  he is young he will probably spill it.

[aorso]

Well Anne Marie, I hear ya... BUT My very close friend was in this same situation, and he DID take the children out of the home, and did come VERY close to going to jail . IMMEDIATELY, and in front of his childern. I understand that the children come first, but if the only "caring" parent is in jail, what good would that do?