Avoiding an adversarial divorce

I am getting ready to enter into the divorce arena with my wife of 16 years . . . it has been an unhappy union for me for almost that long, and were it not for the children (now ages 13 and 15), I would have left long ago. But finally, after a major reckoning with her four years ago, and alot of time spent researching and contemplating the consequences I have decided that I have had enough. I intend to move out of our residence within a month, because the tension is too high and I can no longer tolerate it. Most of the time, we do not even speak to each other. I want out.

I would like to avoid an adversarial trial style divorce. But my spouse will not consider a mutual lawyer or negotiate with me in any fashion. She believes that because I want the divorce, I should simply surrender everything (and I think she actually believes that she is entitled to it)

We homeschool our two children, and my wife does not work. I am willing to provide support to her and the children until my youngest is at least of age, as well as continue to pay the mortgage and equity loans, my auto payments and assume all other credit debt, so that they may use any support for actual living expesnses and continue their lifestyle with as little cut back as possible. I picked up a second job, so that I would be able to support myself modestly and provide as much financial support to them as possible until whatever term was agreeable. I have tried to communicate this to her, but she will not agree to or consider anything, though I truly believe what I am willing to offer is more than what I would be forced to pay.

I do not want this to be any more costly than it already is, but it seems that I have no options. If I serve her papers, she will hire her own lawyer and because she has no income other than mine, I assume that I will end up responsible for her attorney fees as well as my own.

What can I do to avoid a huge additional financial burden?