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705 - How Can I Negotiate Better With My Spouse?The first thing you need to know about negotiating with your spouse is that you have to make sure you're safe. If you're not confident that you can negotiate and stay safe, back off. It's not worth it. But assuming that you're confident of your safety, there's every reason you and your spouse should do most of the negotiating yourselves and not depend on your lawyers. In almost all cases, particularly if you have children, you'll have to negotiate with each other after your divorce, so you might as well get started now. You need to understand where you are and where your spouse is in the three divorces. You can hear all about that in program number 704, called "Why is my spouse behaving this way?" It is important to have a good clear idea of those things you really must have to get on with your life, and you need to think through what you'd be willing to give up to get that. It's a good idea here to work from a spreadsheet. Get somebody who really understands divorce, taxes, and the time value of money to sit down with you and think through the after‑tax value in today's dollars of all the points you and your spouse are negotiating about. Then you can arrange them all together and compare one option with another. You need to think strategically. You need to ask yourself three questions constantly. First, what is this issue worth to me in today's dollars? Second, how likely is it that I'll win? And third, what is it costing me to fight about it? If you don't know the answers to all three of these questions, or if you're not satisfied from the answers that it makes sense to keep fighting, it may be time to explore a graceful concession to get negotiations going again. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's good sometimes to use a coach to help you think through your options, compare them, and help you negotiate for the best resolution with your spouse. A mediator can be awfully helpful as well to help get both of you back on track, and either of you can require the other to at least try mediation. All you have to do is tell your lawyer to file a motion requesting it. You can read how that works on divorceinfo.com. This next one is probably the hardest one. You need to learn to listen to your spouse. If you're like most people in divorce, you're probably in the habit of jumping in to defend yourself every time you and your spouse talk about anything related to your marriage or divorce. You know what your spouse is about to say before he or she even says it, and you know how to respond. But try something. Just listen. No, no, no, just ... listen. And when your spouse stops, let the silence sit there. It's after the silence that your spouse may tell you what's really bothering them. And when you've heard the real "ouch" under the normal stuff, it's time to restate and reframe. Don't try to respond. Just tell them what you think you heard. It'll hurt, because it's all about what a terrible person you are. But read it back to them. What you want to do is make sure your spouse knows that you have listened to them and heard what they said. Now if you do this regularly, you're probably going to need to do some apologizing. You can find out all about that on Divorceinfo.com. The final suggestion about negotiating in divorce is to keep your promises. When you tell your spouse that you're going to do something, do it. Even if it hurts, and even if it seems silly. And if you absolutely cannot follow through, fess up. You want to convince your spouse that you take your commitments seriously. That way, they'll be more likely to trust commitments you make later in negotiations. Alabama Family Law Center serves clients who need to get through divorce and who are able to be reasonably cooperative. The goal is for both spouses to survive divorce and move on with their lives with some money in their pockets and their dignity intact. No representation is made that the quality of the legal services to be performed is greater than the quality of legal services performed by other lawyers. If you'd like to make an appointment with me, call 205-979-6960. Or you can click here to return to the Divorce Line. |
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